A Saiyan Adventure
by Kerrigas
Summary: Goku and Vegeta have battled ruthless tyrants and all-powerful androids, but how will our dastardly duo fare against a trip to the grocery store? A day in the kitchen? Alcoholic drinks? What about switching souls? A DBZ humor fic
1. Ch 1: Disaster in the Kitchen 1

**.:Author's Note:.** So I decided to write this completely randomly as a part of my DBZ obsession phase. It's a bit more light-hearted and humorous than my usual work, for a change. Just get ready for some weird shit and general is pretty much going to be orginized like a series of progressive, somewhat connected oneshot-style stories (the first chapter is divided into 2 because it ended up quite long).

**EDIT:** Fair warning - I decided NOT to make this a slash story. Half way through I just felt like it wouldn't work and I wanted to keep it strictly humorous. _However_, there will be some rather awkward and suggestive situations -all in the name of humor. NO SLASH. I'm serious. I know it's unbelievable coming from me, but I'm serious. Yeah.

Enjoy, and leave a review please! If the humor in here is just ridiculously nonsensical and abrasively insulting, feel free to let me know I'm making a fool of myself :D

Rated T for Vegeta's foul mouth and general fuckery. The rating may change later depending on content :D It should stay relatively humorous and away from the usual angst. I swear, all these heavy DBZ stories are starting to depress me o_o

-DxH

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Chapter Summary: Vegeta and Goku decide to lend a hand in preparing a barbeque at Chichi's house, but what do a third-class idiot and a pampered prince know about cooking? And will a trip to the supermarket lead to disaster? Let's find out!

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Chapter 1: Disaster in the Kitchen! Part 1

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Goku groaned, stretching his arms over his head as he lay on his bed. He blinked open his eyes, squinting against the rays of bright morning sunlight poking through his blinds. The saiyan basked in the peace of a new day, listening to the song of the birds and the rustle of the trees in the soft wind. Finally, Goku threw his covers off and slipped out of bed, yawning and running a hand through his ever-messy hair. He hopped into his orange gi and slipped on his shoes, before skipping down the stairs and landing in the dining room on his two feet.

"Good morning everyone!" He announced brightly.

"Morning dad,"came a rather distracted answer from the couch. Goku sidled forward and poked his head over the couch to see Goten and Trunks wrestling their game consoles, eyes glued to the screen in deep concentration.

"Hey Goten!" Goku greeted his young son brightly. "What's Trunks doing here?"

"Bulma left for work early this morning. She dropped him off, and we're going to the movies this afternoon." Goku ruffled Goten's hair affectionately.

"Really? What are you going to see?" He asked brightly. Trunks suddenly released a triumphant yelp, pumping his fist in the air.

"Dad stop, you got me killed!" Goten huffed, slapping his controller down. Goku quickly pulled back his hand.

"Woops. Sorry." He apologized.

"We're going to see the new Kung-fu movie that just came out." Goten continued, after restarting their game.

"Oh no you won't!" Goku turned to see Chichi storm out of the kitchen, hair loose around her shoulders. "You need to finish your homework young man!" Goten flinched.

"But mom!" He complained loudly, "Its vacation! I still have a week! And you said I could go!" Chichi huffed and crossed her arms over her chest.

"If only you looked at your homework as lovingly as you do your little games." She sighed bitterly. Goten made a face and Trunk's snickered. Chichi turned her eyes to Trunks and frowned.

"And what about you, mister Briefs? Don't you have work to do?" Trunks shrugged, avoiding Chichi's boring gaze.

"I'm gonna work at Capsule Corp when I grow up. Mamma's teaching me everything I need to know." Chichi didn't appear satisfied but looked at her watch and gasped.

"Well if you two want to go to the movies you'd better get ready because I have to leave in 10 minutes." The boys grunted in assent and continued to attack each other via moving pixel characters.

Goku scratched his neck and walked to the kitchen, helping himself to a tall stack of waffles already laid out and prepared on the table. After finishing his breakfast with a satisfying smack, he placed the dirty dish in the sink. Suddenly, the doorbell rang and Goku's ears perked up. He padded to the door and opened it, greeting a small, dark haired saiyan with a bright smile.

"Hey Vegeta!" He exclaimed with all the cheeriness he could muster. Vegeta looked at him darkly, arms crossed. He was wearing his usual skintight blue sparring outfit and white leather gloves and boots.

"I just know you do that on purpose just to piss me off." He growled. Goku blinked and smiled naively.

"Awww what are you talking about?" Vegeta narrowed his eyes and brushed past the larger saiyan, mumbling under his breath.

Goku followed Vegeta into the kitchen and plopped down on a chair, grinning like a child.

"So? Are we going to spar today?" Vegeta eyed him before snatching up an apple from a small basket and taking a large bite.

"Obviously." He spat around his mouthful. "I don't wander into your house for fun." He turned his head towards the living room upon hearing a cheerful whoop from Trunks.

"Why is my son here?" He asked, scowling.

"Bulma dropped him off here before work, or something." Goku said, shrugging. "Its vacation; let them have fun." Vegeta grunted and took another bite. Suddenly, Chichi came crashing down the stairs.

"Alright boys, get up now! We're leaving!" Goku stared as his wife rushed past him in a black vest and pencil skirt, her hair tied up in a tight bun with a small dash of makeup across her face. She paused at the doorway before turning back and slapping a small piece of paper on the table.

"Sorry Goku, I have an urgent meeting to attend to at Gohan's high school. I need you to go shopping for the ingredients for the barbeque this afternoon." Goku looked down at the sheet then back up at Chichi with a chagrined look.

"But I was supposed to go sparring today!" He complained. Chichi glared at him.

"You can go sparring later. Besides, it's unbecoming to go fight before we have a gathering. I don't need you appearing to the barbeque like some beat up corpse! You'll scare away all the guests!" Goku frowned.

"But I know everyone that's going there! It's just the z-warriors and everyone else. Besides, Coran just gave me a new bag of senzu!"

"No buts!" Chichi growled. "It's a matter of courtesy." She snapped her gaze to Vegeta, who instantly froze before he could take another bite.

"And don't eat with your gloves on. It's rude. And you're so loud when you eat. Close your mouth! You're a man, not a monkey for god's sake." Goku snorted. Vegeta glared at the woman and took a large bite out of the apple, smacking his lips loudly just to spite her. Chichi glared at him before turning on her heel and storming out the door.

"You'd better have all the ingredients by the time Bulma gets here to prepare the food!" She yelled over her shoulder before ushering the two boys out and slamming the door shut behind them.

A short silence passed over the house as the two saiyans listened to Chichi's car start up and drive off.

"I fail to see how you can stand to live with that loud-mouthed harpy." Vegeta finally said, finishing his apple and chucking the core into the plastic garbage can on the other side of the room.

"It's not that bad." Goku insisted with a shrug. "She cares; she just has a different way of showing it." Vegeta scoffed.

"A very loud way, I see. That woman could send the mountains packing. I can't even imagine what it must have been like in bed." Goku stared at Vegeta.

"She's actually a rather quiet sleeper." Vegeta blinked and said nothing but only picked up the shopping list and dropped it in Goku's hands before walking towards the door.

"Well, you enjoy slaving around. I'll be working out in the gravity room when you're done." Goku gaped.

"You can't just leave me here!" He protested. Vegeta raised an eyebrow.

"Watch me." Goku frowned.

"Come with me!" He asked, "If we do it together it'll take us half as long!"

"No way!" Vegeta snarled. "There is no way I'm going to be reduced to running errands for your woman, Kakkarot." With this Vegeta walked determinedly to the door and slammed it open. He screeched and almost fell back as Goku materialized in the doorway before him.

"God damnit Kakkarot! How many times do I have to tell you to stop doing that!" He screamed angrily.

"Come on Vegeta! We can go sparring after!" Goku insisted earnestly. Vegeta growled. There was no way he wanted to go shopping for food with this third-class oaf, but he had been looking forward to a good sparring match in over a week. A low growl rumbled in the saiyan Prince's throat.

"Fine. But as soon as we finish, you'd better be ready to give me a serious fight." Goku's mouth widened into a bright grin and it took all his restraint not to leap onto the prince.

"Thanks Vegeta, I promise it'll be over in five minutes!"

Ten minutes later, the two saiyans stood standing in front of a large supermarket, bustling with people shuffling in and out with large carts. Goku grabbed a cart and passed it to Vegeta, who stared at him indignantly, snatched up the ingredients list, and stormed forward into the store, leaving the saiyan and the cart behind. Goku sighed and trailed after him, pushing the cart forward.

Vegeta looked down at the list.

"Alright Kakkarot, you know this place better than I do. We need a dozen tomatoes, eight green and red bell peppers, two red peppers, five onions, a clove of garlic, five romaine hearts and two bags of potatoes." Goku blinked looking around.

"Uh, that would be in the fresh produce department." He pointed towards a row of large stands stacked with fruits and vegetables. The two shuffled over, winding their way through the throng of people until they stood in front of a small landslide of plump, red, tomatoes.

"Good god." Vegeta mumbled. "I don't understand you humans. Pilling up all this food, when half of it is thrown out in the end. Such a waste." Vegeta started picking tomatoes out at random, and placed them in a plastic bag one by one.

"No Vegeta, you're doing it wrong." Goku interrupted. Vegeta cocked an eyebrow.

"I'm picking out tomatoes, Kakkarot. Pray tell, what the hell could I do wrong?" Goku tapped his chin thoughtfully.

"Chichi always squeezed the tomatoes to see if they were ripe. We can't bring back bad tomatoes." Vegeta growled.

"There are no bad tomatoes. If it isn't ripe, it's green."

"But what about if it's too ripe!" insisted the taller saiyan. "If they're too soggy they don't taste good."

"Oh for God's sake Kakkarot. Fine!" Vegeta picked out a tomato and squeezed it. The tomato promptly burst, sending moist pulp and seeds onto both men. The saiyans stood still for a few moments, staring at the remains of the rude fruit.

"Well that wasn't supposed to happen." Goku mumbled, furrowing his brow. "Vegeta you did it wrong."

"HOW THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT!" Screamed Vegeta. "I SQUEEZED IT LIKE YOU DAMN WELL TOLD ME TO!"

"Well you weren't supposed to squeeze it that hard!" Goku retorted defensively.

"HOW FUCKING HARD DO I SQUEEZE THE DAMN TOMATO THEN?" The shorter saiyan was positively fuming at this point, and multiple shoppers were eying them warily.

"Look… let's just forget the squeezing and get the tomatoes, ok?" Goku sighed irritably.

"As I was doing before you decided to ENLIGHTEN me with your produce-shopping wisdom." Vegeta added for good measure, before discarding the remains of the burst tomatoes and picking out a dozen tomatoes in the bag and setting it into the cart.

"So where do we get a romaine heart?" Goku asked pensively. "Maybe it's in the meat section. It doesn't sound too good though. I've had a pig's heart before and it tasted pretty bad." Vegeta shuddered.

"I have no idea why you would eat such a thing, Goku, but either way, that has nothing to do with it. I'm sure the harpy was talking about the lettuce." Goku blinked, and snapped in realization.

"Right." He breathed.

The two wandered through the aisles, where Goku quietly let Vegeta pick out the bell peppers, the hearts of lettuce, and the garlic clove. When they got to the onion rack, Vegeta was picking up a few small purple onions when Goku opened his mouth.

"Wait, Vegeta –"

"OH, I SUPPOSE I NEED TO SQUEEZE THE ONION TOO, HUH?" Vegeta asked, glaring sharply at the man. Goku rolled his eyes.

"No, but those are shallots, not onions." Vegeta looked down at the small, oblong root and blinked.

"It looks like an onion to me." He growled. Goku shook his head and pointed to a nearby rack with similar produce, though larger and rounder. Vegeta huffed, dumping out the contents of his plastic bag and gathered five actual onions.

They wandered to the potatoes, where Vegeta stared at the variety of bags of potatoes.

"Well Kakkarot," he said pointedly, "mind specifying exactly which bag of potatoes we're supposed to get. Goku looked down at his list and then back up.

"Uh… well… there's no specifications here." Vegeta rolled his eyes.

"Of course not." He pulled out two bags at random, one filled with small, oblong yellow potatoes, and the other filled with orange ones. Goku stared suspiciously at the orange potatoes.

"Vegeta, are you sure those are potatoes? They're kind of a funny color." Vegeta glanced at the bag then up at the tags on the shelf.

"They're sweet potatoes, Kakkarot." Goku's eyes widened.

"Sweet potatoes? You mean, they taste like candy?" Vegeta glared irritably at the protector of the earth, who stared at the bag with a mixture of awe and fascination.

"I sincerely doubt it." Sneered the smaller saiyan, and placed the bag back into the shelf. Goku's face fell, but he snatched up the bag again.

"Come on, let's take it." Vegeta narrowed his eyes.

"I don't think those are the right potatoes." He said. Goku shrugged.

"Chichi didn't specify, so she can't say anything. Besides," he looked lovingly at the bag, "they sound delicious." Vegeta made a face.

"Kakkarot you look disgusting. Put that bag in the cart. We'll take one of these just in case." He said, throwing in a bag of golden potatoes.

"Oh hey look Vegeta! Those potatoes are purple!" Goku cried out in fascination. Vegeta grabbed the childish man's arm and dragged him away.

"Alright, next? I'm getting tired of this so let's get it over with. " He asked Goku. Suddenly, the small saiyan felt himself roughly jostled from the side.

"Hey, watch it," he snarled angrily.

"Oh, whoops. Sorry kid." The man he'd knocked into apologized. Vegeta froze.

"What… did he just… call me?" The saiyan seethed. Goku swallowed.

"Vegeta, it's nothing. He just didn't see you properly."

"Oh," the prince smiled maniacally, "no worries. He won't be seeing anything once I'm done with him." Goku's eyes widened as he noticed the ball of energy accumulating in Vegeta's free hand.

"No Vegeta! He whispered, panicking. "You can't use your powers on innocent civilians!"

"Watch me do it! JUST FUCKING WATCH ME!" Vegeta snarled, raising his hand. Goku released the cart and grabbed Vegeta from behind, pulling him away from the crowd of people who'd begun to look at them strangely.

With a relieved exhale, Goku managed to transport the irritable prince to the meats without casualties. They stood in front of a glass screen, behind which were laid out various slabs of red and white meat.

"So…" Goku trailed off, looking down at his shopping list, "we need about 30 pounds of beef, 2 whole turkeys, and 10 pounds of pork." Vegeta glanced over Goku's arm at the sheet.

"Are you sure that's going to be enough?" He asked skeptically. Goku shrugged.

"Chichi knows us well enough. I would think she took into account how much we eat." Goku placed his order, though the man on the other side of the counter gave him a strange look.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we only have 20 pounds of beef in stock right now." Goku frowned.

"Really? Can't you go get some more?"

"Sorry sir, but the next shipment is tomorrow morning. We don't usually receive such… large requests." He said, eyes glancing between the two burly men. Goku furrowed his brow.

"How long does it take to kill and slice up a cow?" He muttered unhappily. Vegeta grit his teeth.

"Don't make a big deal out of this Kakkarot. Just get ten extra pounds of pork or something." Goku relented and packed the large bundles of meat into the cart.

As they perused the bread section, Goku checked his list.

"So, we need three sourdough baguettes and one French baguette." He announced. Vegeta grunted and proceeded to pull out a few long loaves from an upstanding basket.

"Hey 'geta, what's a 'baguette'?" Vegeta froze.

"Repeat that?" Goku gesticulated towards the list.

"What's a baguette? I mean, I know it refers to bread, but why can they just call it a 'loaf'? What does 'baguette' mean?"

"No… not that…." Vegeta said slowly. "What did you call me?" Goku blinked.

" 'geta?" As soon as the word left his mouth, Vegeta whapped the saiyan across the head with the sourdough baguette. The bread made a hollow crunching sound as it connected with Goku's head, shedding crumbs across the floor.

"Don't you _ever_ call me that again." He hissed angrily. Goku rubbed his head, eyes wide in surprise.

"Jesus Vegeta, you didn't have to get so sensitive about it." Goku whined. "And look, you went and ruined our bread." He pointed at the sadly drooping loaf of bread, split in two at the middle.

"The bread can go to hell." Vegeta snarled. "Just keep your mouth shut."

"Vegeta, you're going to ruin the bread's feelings. And besides, why are you so touchy about me calling you that?" Goku asked, gently tugging the bread out of Vegeta's grasp and tearing off a small chunk before placing it in the basket.

"Because it sounds like some kind of disgustingly familiar pet-name! I'm your prince, and I won't have you address me with such a ridiculous nick-name!" Goku grinned cheekily around a mouthful of bread.

"Awwww but it's so cute!" He exclaimed. This time, Goku managed to dodge the French loaf that sailed past his head, crashing into a cheese sample kiosk behind him. He clicked his tongue.

"Restraint, 'geta. A prince needs to keep his head, right?" Vegeta screamed incoherently, ready to leap upon the saiyan and strangle him in place.

"Excuse me, Sirs? I'm going to ask that you two please leave the store immediately." Vegeta whirled around to find a tall, burly police officer, shining badge on his chest and hand resting on his gun. Behind him cringed a rather terrified looking store employee, whose eyes darted frantically between the two saiyans. Goku swallowed the last of his bread.

"We've gotten several complaints of you disturbing the peace and posing a serious threat to the shoppers, and I'm going to have to escort you two gentlemen out of here." The policeman reached out and placed a large hand on Vegeta's shoulder. Goku opened his mouth to warn him, but Vegeta beat him to it and in a matter of seconds, the policeman was flying over the bread-stands and landed face-first into the seafood department. The employee took one, last, tear-filled look at Vegeta and fled, jumping over the overturned cheese kiosk.

"I HAVE FUCKING HAD IT UP TO HERE!" Vegeta yelled. He whipped around to face Goku and stormed towards the check-out counter. " We're leaving! Kakkarot move your lazy hide and let's pay for this damn food before I blow this whole store to hell and back!"

Goku followed the seething saiyan to the check-out counters, where a long procession of customers were lined up at each counter.

"Oh you have _got_ to be shitting me!" Vegeta yowled, throwing up his hands in exasperation. He stomped forward, shoving past a few customers, who protested angrily. Goku apologized, not daring to stop the smaller saiyan for fear of causing an all out battle to break out. Suddenly, a large man with a shaved head and a good too many tattoos than should be present on any one body stepped in front of Vegeta, looking down at the small prince with a dark scowl.

"Get in line, small fry." He rumbled. Goku sighed, slapping a hand against his forehead. Vegeta raised a hand and, without flinching, backhanded the man across the store.

"ANYONE ELSE UP FOR GETTING THEIR ASSES KICKED?" Vegeta yelled at the crowd of wide-eyed and terrified onlookers. A child cried nearby, quickly silenced by its mother. Vegeta stepped forward and the people around him immediately parted like a body of water. He triumphantly walked up to the check-out, slamming a fist down on the counter. The employee at the counter, a skinny red-head wearing a clerk apron several sizes too big on him flinched, swallowing nervously and glancing at Goku with bright red mouse-eyes. The taller saiyan placed the items on the counter, and Vegeta watched carefully as the cashier rang each item with trembling hands. Finally, he read off the final amount, gingerly accepting the card Goku handed him. After paying for and bagging their food, Vegeta and Goku grabbed the plastic bags and left the store, Goku sending an apologetic look over his shoulder at the countless wary eyes that followed them out of the supermarket.

As soon as he exited the store, Vegeta lifted off the ground, ignoring the shocked outbursts from the people in the parking lot.

"Kakkarot," he finally said as they flew over the city, "I am NEVER going shopping again. Understand?" Goku chuckled.

"Oh come on, it wasn't that bad. You just overreacted." He said. Vegeta glared at him with such bloodthirst, Goku could practically feel the saiyan's gloved hands around his neck. He swallowed nervously, averting his eyes.

"At least we're done now, right?" Goku smiled. "We'll drop off the food and we can go sparring. I'll let you choose the location too. How about it?" Vegeta narrowed his eyes, but the prospect of releasing his anger on the particular saiyan who dragged him into this mess was quite attractive.

"You'd better get ready to fight for real, Kakkarot, because I won't be going easy on you today." Goku chuckled to himself. Vegeta was like an angry puppy – use the right bait and he was easy to predict.

After they landed on the porch to Chichi's house, Goku opened the door and dropped the bags of produce on the kitchen counter, stretching his arms over his head. Vegeta did hardly bothered to be courteous at all with his bags and simply dropped them on the floor of the kitchen, hands twitching with eagerness of their fight. Goku turned to follow the prince out the door when the phone rang. He glanced at it and back at Vegeta, who glared angrily at him.

"Don't pick it up. It can't be good." He growled. Goku frowned.

"How do you know that? It could be chichi needing some important information, or something could have happened to Goten and Trunks." Vegeta rolled his eyes.

"Please Kakkarot, if something happened to my son, I would know, and I damn well know you would as well." Goku shrugged and trudged to the phone, lifting the receiver to his ear.

"Hey, Goku?" Goku grinned.

"Oh hey Bulma, what's up?" He greeted his long-time friend cheerfully. Vegeta crossed his arms over his chest impatiently.

"God you're a hard man to get a hold of you know? You're going to have to teach me that telepathy ability of yours one day." Goku chuckled. "But anyways," she continued, "I need to ask you a favor. Is Vegeta there?"

"Yep, we were just on our way to go sparring. We just came back from shopping for Chichi's barbeque."

"Really? Perfect, that's just want I needed to talk to you guys about. It turns out I'm going to have to stay at work for longer than I thought. One of our shipments was stalled and we can't finish the project. We have to wait for the shipment to arrive before we can finish it, so I won't have time to prepare the food."

"Oh… sounds tough." Goku said.

"Right, so I need you two to cook for me." Goku blinked.

"Uh… what? Cook? But… I can't." He said uncertainly. The saiyan kept his gaze glued on the wall, feeling Vegeta's power lever rising dangerously from across the room. Bulma laughed on the other end of the line

"What are you talking about? It's easy. I'll even fax the instructions to you." Goku began to sweat.

"Uh, actually our fax is broke-" he heard a loud beep and four sheets of paper zipped out of the fax machine to his left. "-en." Goku swallowed. "Guess not."

"Don't sweat it. You just have to make a salad and cut up the meat for the barbeque. The only thing you need to cook is the turkey stew." Goku shot a haphazard glance at the saiyan prince to his left. If Vegeta's eyes could have born holes in Goku's head, at this point he'd be dead.

"I think you'll have to take it up with Vegeta." Goku finally said. Bulma sighed.

"Could you put Vegeta on the line then, please?" Goku nodded and held out the phone.

"Uh… Bulma wants to talk to you." Goku said quietly. Vegeta stomped up to the man, snatched up the phone, and raised it to his ear with the adoration of a schizophrenic mass murderer. Goku tiptoed into the kitchen, and began sorting out the groceries.

"I," Vegeta huffed indignantly through the receiver, "am the Prince of all Saiyans! I will _not _be belittled into cooking like a third class slave!"

"The prince of a grand total of five people, Vegeta. Big fucking deal! Now get over it and start cooking!" Vegeta stared open mouthed at the receiver, which beeped repeatedly. With a blood curdling screech he hurdled the phone across the room, where it smashed into pieces. Goku poked his head out from the kitchen and scowled.

"Hey, we just installed that new phone!" He protested. Vegeta responded with a steam of curses that would shame a sailor, and stormed to the door.

"Hey Vegeta, wait! Where are you going?" Goku followed the fuming Saiyan.

"I," Vegeta said slowly, "am going home. I am NOT cooking!" Goku opened his mouth, releasing a small garble of words.

"I… but… no! Vegeta! You can't leave me here! I can't cook!" He cried.

"Well neither can I!" Vegeta growled, slamming open the door. Before he could take a step forward however, Goku grabbed him from behind, holding him back by the arms and locking him into place.

"You can't leave me now!" Goku yelled. "I need your help!"

"Get someone else's help!" Vegeta screamed, struggling futilely against the Saiyan.

"But I can't!" Goku persisted. "Chichi's at a meeting, Goten and Trunks are at a movie, Bulma's working, Gohan and Piccolo are out training, and I can't just ask the guests to cook for a party we're hosting!"

"Well deal with it yourself! Don't involve me in any more of your ridiculous low-class work!" Vegeta kicked Goku in the shin with his leg using all the strength he could muster. Goku's release on him faltered as he winced, and the prince immediately took off into the air, grinning triumphantly.

"Fucking idiot. Never again." He hissed as he zipped away from the house. Suddenly, Vegeta felt someone approaching rapidly and turned around, only to have Goku slam into him, sending them both hurdling to the ground where they landed with a hollow crack and a cloud of dust.

Vegeta slowly peeled himself off the ground, blinking up to see Goku standing in front of him, intense determination on his face.

"You're going to help me." He stated resolutely. Vegeta spat angrily.

"There's no way in hell. You'll have to kill me before I help you do anything!" Goku frowned.

"I'll fight you then. If I win, you help me."

"No fucking way." Vegeta snarled.

"If you win, I'll bow down to you. No going super saiyan. Just you and me." Vegeta froze. Goku stared at him in all seriousness. He wasn't joking. The prince weighted his choices. He knew Goku was far stronger than him, but he'd been training for several weeks while the saiyan was spending his vacation playing around with his son. If Vegeta could outsmart him and catch him off guard even once… the prince smirked.

"Alright. I accept," he said smugly, visions of Goku's bloody head beneath his boot gracing his imagination. The taller saiyan smiled. Suddenly, before Vegeta could move, Goku vanished, only to re-appear a split-second later directly in front of him. The prince immediately threw up his arms in a last-minute guard against Goku's blow, which sent him sailing into the forest.

Vegeta snarled, bounding off the ground and immediately back at the taller saiyan._ 'Little bastard isn't giving me a moment is he,'_ he thought as they exchanged a series of blows before parting with a crack. Vegeta feigned a blow to Goku's head before zipping behind him and aiming a kick at his back. Goku blocked it with a hand, grabbing the prince's leg and throwing him at the trees. Vegeta used the momentum of the throw to flip around and jump off a thick tree trunk into the air, where he hovered with one hand in front of him.

Vegeta fired a blow of energy at Goku, who bounded away to let a huge crater form in the dirt where he stood seconds before. As the dust cleared away, Goku leap into the air after Vegeta, pounding him with punches and kicks. Vegeta deftly retaliated, matching each of Goku's blows. However, he felt himself being gradually pushed back. Gritting his teeth, the prince of saiyans gathered energy in his palms and shot several beams as his opponent. Trees splintered and earth swarmed into mounds of dust as the shots connected with the ground. Vegeta stood, quietly, seeking any movement from his opponent, but Goku had literally vanished.

"Damnit Kakkarot, where are you? Quit hiding you third-class idiot!" The prince snarled angrily, head whipping from left to right. Suddenly, Vegeta sensed a presence behind him, but before he could bring up his guard, Goku had clasped his hands together, raised them, and slammed then down on Vegeta's unprotected head.

The prince plummeted to earth and landed with a loud, earth-shattering crash. Goku slowly descended to the ground, walking through the clearing dust and greeted the prone saiyan with a wide smile.

"I win," he said simply. Vegeta groaned, pushing himself upright.

"You are a bonafied jackass and a first-class DICK," Vegeta growled, wiping off the dirt from the ragged remains of his outfit.

"Well," Goku said with a grin, "that's a step up from a third-class idiot, right?" Vegeta glared at him and grudgingly followed Goku back to the house.

...

**.:Author's Note:. **Was that bad? WAS IT? ;o; Was the humor oh so excruciatingly painful that it took every ounce of your willpower to make it to the bottom of this page! D: I hope I haven't caused anyone a heart attack. I TRIED. I just suck at writing lighthearted humor. Not that socially I'm a morbid person or anything I swear!

Anyways, please review and tell me if I FAAAAIIILLLEDD miserably or not. THANKS!

-DxH


	2. Ch 2: Disaster in the Kitchen 2

**.:Author's Note:. **Hey guys! Sorry for the wait! Here's the update thought, part two of our friends' insane food-related adventure. I've written two other chapters already, but I feel like I need to insert something else first. What do you guys think would make for a ridiculous situation between these two?

Otherwise, I hope you enjoy this chapter filled with... god knows what. Terribly humor and ridiculous situations that are so crackish you wonder how the hell I come up with them. At least I try to keep them all in character. That's gotta count for something right?

Also, much thanks to all my reviewers so far! :D It's great to get such positive feedback. I do reply to everyone who gives me more than a three word review!

Rated T for Vegeta's foul mouth and general fuckery. The rating may change later depending on content.

OH I almost forgot!

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Dragonball, Dragonball Z, or Dragonball GT. These are all owned by Akira Toriyama, Toei Animation, Funimation, and Fuji TV. If I did you'd have some serious crack on your hands.

-DxH

...

Chapter Summary: Vegeta and Goku decide to lend a hand in preparing a barbaque at Chichi's house, but what do a third-class idiot and a pampered prince know about cooking? And will a trip to the supermarket lead to disaster? Let's find out!

...

Chapter 1: Disaster in the Kitchen! Part 2

...

When the two had finished cleaning up and healing wounds with some of those miraculous senzu beans that completely cheat the pain out of injuries, Goku grabbed the recipe sheets and began flipping through them. Vegeta stood crossly in the kitchen, leaning on the counter and rueing his bad luck.

"Well," Goku said finally, "it doesn't look too hard. We just have to prepare the salad, cut up the beef and pork for the barbeque, and make a stew with the turkey meat. How difficult can that be?" Vegeta snorted.

"When you're involved, everything becomes more complicated," he said bitterly. Goku frowned.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Vegeta sighed impatiently and snatched one of the sheets from Goku before handing it back and snatching another.

"You work on preparing the stew. I'll cut up the meat." Goku furrowed his eyebrows.

"Hey, why do you get to cut the meat? That was the fun part!" He complained. Vegeta's eye twitched as he whirled on the younger man.

"One because it's _your_ fault I'm here, two because I'm the prince, three because I want to, and four because if you don't let me I'm leaving, deal or no deal!" He stated. Goku sighed.

"Fine, fine," he acquitted, grabbing a bag of potatoes, the turkey, and a few extra ingredients from the fridge pertaining to what was needed on the list. Vegeta sniffed triumphantly and snatched up the mound of beef. He stared at the row of knives, contemplating which one to use. Finally, the saiyan settled for a large butchering knife which he sharpened across his finger using a slight amount of ki to hone the blade.

Satisfied with the edge of the knife, Vegeta grabbed the largest piece of red meat and began hacking at it haphazardly. Chunks of meat and fat flew across the kitchen, one piece landing in the large pot Goku had just set on the stove.

"Hey!" he cried indignantly. "Watch it Vegeta! You're sending meat everywhere!" Vegeta glared at him crossly, knife still mauling the chunk of flesh, which appeared to tremble beneath each merciless blow.

"Are you telling me how to cut the meat, Goku? Because I doubt you could do any better." He retorted, slamming his knife down on the beef for good measure. Goku shrugged and returned to eyeing the recipe.

"Alright so I need… two onions, two carrots, two potatoes, and a pepper…" He grabbed two carrots from the fridge and the other ingredients from the shopping bags. The saiyan grabbed the carrots and pulled out a knife, sharpening it as Vegeta had done.

"Well this can't be so hard after all." He smiled, bringing the knife down on the carrot. As soon as he cut through, the piece of carrot sprang away and smacked Vegeta in the head. The prince whipped his head around, glaring murderously at Goku.

"I didn't do that on purpose." Goku said immediately. Vegeta narrowed his eyes and went back to cutting his meat. Goku adjusted his grip around the hilt of the knife and tried again, quickly cutting down on the carrot. A loud bop sounded as the carrot slice rebounded off Vegeta's head.

"Goku –" He began quietly.

"I swear I didn't mean to do it!" Goku pleaded, trying to restrain his laughter. "It's like they have a mind of their own!" Vegeta sent a smoldering glare at the quivering saiyan.

"Are you trying to tell me the carrots have it in for me?" He asked in the lowest possible voice he could muster.

"Maybe…" Goku said gingerly. "I don't think they quite forgave you after that time you destroyed Ms. Brief's vegetable garden during one of your temper tantrums."

"Well then kindly PUT A LEASH ON YOUR DAMN CARROTS BEFORE I STUFF THEM UP YOUR ASS!" Vegeta retorted angrily. Goku sniffed.

"Prude," he muttered under his breath. He finished cutting the carrots, slower and more gentle this time, and put them in the pot. He turned on the stove, randomly jerking up the dial until it couldn't move any further. The saiyan grabbed 2 red peppers and cut them up, throwing them in with the carrots. His hand wavered over the bag of golden potatoes before, with a small grin, he snatched a few of the orange potatoes instead and quickly diced them, slipping them into the pot before Vegeta could notice them. The saiyan then proceeded with the onions.

A minute into cutting up the onion, tears were spilling out of Goku's eyes by the gallon. Vegeta had finished cutting up the last of the beef when he turned, startled to find Goku, tears and snot running down his face, staring dejectedly at the half-chopped onion.

"Ka –kakkarot… what in the…?" Vegeta stared, bewildered as the saiyan turned a tear-streaked face at him. He sniffed loudly.

"I… I don't know Vegeta… but as soon as I started cutting up the onion… I…. I just started CRYING!" Vegeta took a step away as the man approached him, cradling the onion in his hands.

"It… it was as if the onion was telling me not to cut it. Like it could feel the pain!" Goku stared at him, lips trembling. "What if I hurt it?" He asked passionately. "What if…?"

"God damnit Kakkarot it's an onion!" Vegeta snapped, warily backing away from Goku and his mysteriously depressing onion.

"That's not true!" He said determinedly. "Onions don't usually make me cry when I eat them!"

"Kakkarot…" Vegeta warned him. Goku held out the onion.

"Ask him, see for yourself."

...

Piccolo and Gohan flew through the air, slowly heading home from a training session in the woods. Gohan shook his head, enjoying the warm thermals of air against his skin.

"Thanks for training me today, Piccolo." Gohan said, smiling at his green-skinned mentor. "It's been a while since we got to spar together." The namekian grunted in acknowledgment.

"I've appreciated the fact that dad's been spending more time with me, though," Gohan mused. "He was usually too busy saving the world, or finding new ways to get himself killed." The young man chuckled to himself. Piccolo ruffled his pupil's hair.

"Your father has always cherished you dearly, Gohan." Piccolo assured him. Gohan smiled.

"Yeah, I know." As the two arrived near the house, they slowed and began to descend. "I sensed Vegeta and dad fighting this afternoon. It seems they've settled down though." Piccolo nodded. He paused, landing on the grass before the house.

"Wait Gohan," he held a hand up, staring at the house intently. Gohan looked from the house back to Piccolo. He could sense Vegeta and Goku were in there. The two walked up the stairs and opened the door, when Piccolo froze, Gohan smacking into his back. Gohan looked around his mentor, rubbing his nose, to see Vegeta fly past them both, Goku hot on his heels carrying an onion in his outstretched arms.

"PITY THE ONION, VEGETA!"

"YOU'RE CLINICALLY INSANE KAKKAROT! GET AWAY FROM ME! I'M SURE IT'S CONTAGIOUS!"

Gohan stared as the two ran around the house, Vegeta swearing like a madman and Goku, just as fervently, thrusting his onion at the smaller saiyan with tears and snot running down his face in rivulets.

"Gohan," Piccolo said slowly, "I don't think we did quite enough training."

"I think you're right." Gohan replied quietly, backing away. Vegeta suddenly noticed them as the two turned and launched themselves in the air.

"Wait! Come back here you filthy Namekian! Gohan damnit control your father, you damn brat!" He screamed, dashing for the door. Piccolo and Gohan slipped into the sky and out of sight, and Vegeta made to pursue them until Goku suddenly tackled him from behind.

...

Several minutes later, Goku was massaging a large bump on his head and reluctantly finished cutting his onions while Vegeta grumbled on about 'the insanity of low-class stupidity and the nerve of it all.'

As he finished placing the sliced vegetables, Goku turned his attention to the recipe.

"Alright, now: _two turkey breasts, sliced and cubed,_" He frowned, staring at the whole turkey.

"Hey Vegeta?" he asked tentatively.

"What?" came the irritable growl over the rhythmic pounding of the knife on the cuttingboard.

"Where do you suppose the breasts are on a turkey?" Vegeta stopped, staring at Goku with wide, incredulous eyes.

"Where the – Kakkarot how the fuck would I know? DO I LOOK LIKE THE TYPE OF PERSON THAT STUDIES THE ANATOMICAL MAKEUP OF _FOWL_ IN MY FREE TIME?" Vegeta raged, waving his bloody knife in the saiyan's face. Goku inched away, staring warily at the blade.

"It was just a question, Vegeta." The prince huffed.

"Well I suppose it can't be much different from a human's right?" Goku looked down skeptically at the naked piece of meat.

"It sure doesn't look very human to me." He muttered. "Well, I guess I'll try." Goku picked up the turkey, carrying it from beneath its wings.

"Well it could be this flat part here. That's where they should be. Except there's not much meat there, and there's a huge whole coming from the –"

"Kakkarot just put some meat in the pot and shut up." Vegeta ordered. Goku sighed compliantly, took up his knife, and chopped it down on the turkey. He paused as he heard several snapping and cracking sounds from where he was cutting.

"Vegeta, would it be alright if the bones went in the stew?" he asked dubiously.

"It's fine. The marrow is full of nutrition, and no one at the party will mind," Vegeta answered curtly, snatching up a new slice of meat which he began to dice with fervency. Goku shrugged and hacked at the turkey, ignoring the snapping and cracking as skeleton and flesh buckled beneath his knife. Finally, he slung everything into the pot, mixing the solids with a wooden spoon. He checked the recipe again.

"'Two cups of water with 2 tbsp concentrated chicken broth.'" Goku blinked. "We have chicken broth?" The saiyan took to rummaging through the cupboards, dodging the occasional flying chunk of pork meat Vegeta had set himself to cutting, and finally found a packet of broth.

"Hey vegeta, what does 'tbsp' mean?" Goku asked, staring at the small packet.

"I don't know." The prince replied tersely. Goku shrugged and dumped the packet of broth powder into the pot with two cups of water.

"How much is a pinch?" Vegeta sighed loudly.

"Damn it Kakkarot, stop asking me these things! I don't know anything more than you about this cooking business. I'm a prince for the love of –"

"Alright I get it." Goku grumbled. He shook out a handful of salt and chucked it in with the rest of the stew. Goku looked at the recipe, calling for two more 'tbsp' of flour. '_What in the world is a tbsp?_' He wondered as he put two handfuls of flour into the pot, stirring the strangely-colored solution with the wooden spoon.

"Alright, I think I'm done here," he proudly announced. Vegeta nodded, setting down his knife.

"I finished with this god-forsaken meat." Goku glanced at the counter across from Vegeta, where clumps of thick, haphazardly cut chunks of meat were strewn everywhere in the kitchen except for on the cuttingboard.

"We have to make the salad now." Goku said, pointing to the lettuce. Vegeta snatched up the lettuce, and the duo began readying yet another disaster.

...

Chichi sighed. The meeting was finally over, and she'd had her hands full trying to explain to them the nature of Gohan's stable childhood life and role-model father. She sincerely wished she didn't have to lie.

"But no," she grumbled to herself, "I had to marry that idiot – the 'savior of the universe' – and now my poor Gohan hardly has time to study with all his training! If he doesn't get into a good university, his father is going to have hell to pay." She briskly walked to her car, pausing only to answer her buzzing cellphone as she hopped into the white vehicle.

"Hey Chichi, I'm at Capsule Corp. Would you mind picking me up on your way back? We had a last minute crisis up here."

"Huh? Oh sure, that's fine Bulma. I have to pick up Trunks and Goten anyways." Chichi Froze. "Wait, what? But that means the barbeque isn't ready!" She exclaimed, backing out of the parking space and honking her horn at a pair of teenagers blocking her path.

"Don't worry; I left Vegeta and Goku to work on it." Chichi slammed down on the brake, startling a few cars behind her.

"WHAT? YOU'RE KIDDING RIGHT?" She exclaimed. Bulma laughed on the other side of the receiver.

"Relax. They just have to cut up the meat and make the stew and salad, right? How hard can it be? I even sent them the recipe with specific instructions."

"BULMA!" The dark-haired woman cried hysterically. "The last time I left Goku alone in the kitchen with any kind of utensil he nearly burned the house down!" Chichi blasted down the highway, swerving along the road towards Capsule Corp.

"Don't worry, I'm sure they're fine," Bulma said reassuringly. Chichi shrieked before snapping the phone shut and driving for all she was worth.

...

Twenty minutes later, Chichi, Bulma, Trunks, and Goten hopped out of the car on the emerald lawn. Chichi made a beeline for the door, Bulma hot on her heels with Goten and Trunks lagging behind with cheeky grins.

"Well they don't seem to have burned the house down." Bulma pointed out cheerfully. "Relax Chichi, they're grown men. They can handle themselves fine." Chichi glanced sharply at Bulma before inserting the keys into their appropriate lock, twisting it with fervency.

"Burning down the house isn't the worst they could do," she said quietly. On cue, the door unlocked and she tentatively pushed it open. A strange, overwhelming aroma filled the air, a mix of something spicy, something sweet, and something burning. Chichi pursed her lips and strode determinedly towards the kitchen, the rest of her posse following close behind.

Upon entering the kitchen, Chichi nearly fainted. Chunks of red meat and gristle were sprinkled around the room like confetti. The counter was a mess, and a huge crack in one of the wooden cuttingboards had developed against Vegeta's repeated blows. Salad overflowed in a large wooden bowl, and nuts littered the counter beneath it beside an overturned flask of olive oil which dripped onto the floor. The smell emanated from a large pot on the stove where a strangely brown-yellow concoction was bubbling and emitting dark smoke that spread throughout the room like an ominous cloud. Goku was stirring the nameless contents of the pot, sniffing it appreciatively and adding a few handfuls of some random herbs from the cabinet beside him. Vegeta, on the other hand, had taken to arranging his meats into a large ceramic bowl, licking the blood off his fingers in a quiet, calculating manner.

Chichi and Bulma could only take in this disaster with wide eyes and gaping mouths. Trunks and Goten stared in awe, impressed by the chaos their fathers had managed to cook up.

"Goku," Chichi finally managed to croak out. Goku turned around and a wide grin formed on his face.

"Oh hey Chichi! Look! We made the stew and salad and cut the meat, just like Bulma told us. It's a bit of a mess, but we'll clean it up." Vegeta shot him a look.

"We? If I remember correctly, I agreed to help you cook, but I said nothing about cleaning. And there is no way you are tricking me into that." The saiyan hissed, daring Goku to challenge him. The messy-haired saiyan simply shrugged and turned back to his wife. Chichi stood stiffly in place, breathing slowly and forcing down the growing hysteria.

"Goku… you…. what the HELL have you done?" she finally cried, gesticulating at the kitchen. "It's… it's a complete mess in here! How in the world can you screw up THIS much? If I didn't already know how damn useless you are when it comes to everything that doesn't involve your fists, I would be so prone to think you had destroyed this all on purpose!" Goku stared at his wife unabashedly, obtrusive shock written all over his face at the unexpected reaction.

"What?" He finally managed to garble out. "But we prepared the food, just like you asked us to," he protested.

"Then what in the world is THAT?" Chichi pointed to the unnatural, bubbling concoction that was starting to overflow from the pot and hissed away from the touch of the fire as it dripped onto the counter. Chichi glared from Vegeta to Goku, emphasizing her anger with every fiber of intensity she could muster in her beady black eyes.

"Hey, I had nothing to do with that pot," Vegeta growled defensively, raising his hands and accidentally sending a piece of meat flying off the knife in his hand to splatter on the wall adjacent to the home-comers. Goten stared at the piece of meat as it slid down the wall, leaving behind a thick red trail, and plopped on the floor. He nudged it with his foot, half expecting it to stand up and waddle away, and was quite honestly disappointed when it only rolled over with lazy abandon and further settled into the tile cracks.

"That's no excuse, Ve-ge-ta," Chichi snapped, emphasizing every syllable of his name. "You didn't always live as a regal prince under Freeza did you? Didn't you at least learn SOMETHING about cooking in whatever godforsaken habitat you were raised in?" Vegeta crossed his arms and sniffed with an air of regality.

"I'm a saiyan, not a gutless human. I can easily survive off foods you wouldn't dare touch. I," he picked up a slab of messily cut red meat and waved it menacingly in the fighter woman's face, "could eat this raw if I wanted to." Chichi looked about ready to burst like a week fresh pimple on a greasy teenager's face when Bulma decided it was best to intervene.

"Well, there's no changing it. Let's make do with what we have alright?" She said cheerfully, earning two bitter-tempered glares and one shrug and grin. Three guesses whose. She made her way to the stove and stared curiously into the pot.

"So Goku," she began, "what exactly is in here?" Goku beamed.

"Everything that was on the list," he answered proudly. "Potatoes, turkey, onions, salt, and… uh… I forget the rest." Bulma raised a skeptical eyebrow. She stirred the contents of the pot, wincing as the wooden ladle connected with solid chunks of _something_. She lifted the spoon to reveal a large piece of half-decimated bone and meat. Chichi's eyes positively doubled in size and Trunks and Goten simultaneously released a particularly emotional "eeeeeeewwww."

"Uh… Goku… dear," Bulma struggled with the right words to use while openly eyeing the lump of flesh with particular awe and disgust, keeping it at about arms distance as if it were ready to pounce upon her, "I don't think the recipe called for including the bone in the soup." Goku tapped his chin thoughtfully.

"Well no, but it asked for turkey breasts. And to be honest, when I looked at the turkey's chest, there was nothing really there. Now I'm not an expert on turkey anatomy, and apparently Vegeta isn't either so –"

"Of course not," interrupted Vegeta with a snort.

" – so we decided it would be easier just to put the whole turkey in. Besides, Vegeta said that the bone marrow would be healthy and fortified with calcium," Goku finished, smiling with a proud nod at his brilliant reasoning. Bulma released a long sigh. Chichi's head whipped back to Vegeta and she pointed a long finger at him accusingly.

"So it _was_ your idea. Putting bones in stew. What an idea! You're nothing but a savage!" she hissed. Vegeta bristled.

"Don't test me woman. I already went out of my way to do this menial work for you, and you dare address me as if you were my equal? Why I could positively crush your brain in a second and rip out your –"

"Vegeta," Bulma quickly intervened.

" – and stuff them right up your –"

"Vegeta that's enough," Bulma scolded angrily, covering Goten's ears protectively. "Not around the children."

"Woman," Vegeta turned on his ex, "does it really look like I give a –"

"Hey I think it's ready!" Goku cheered, turning off the stove and grabbing the pot. He yelped and immediately sprang away from the pot, slipping in a puddle of the salad dressing and running into the saiyan prince right behind him. He grabbed for the kitchen counter in vain, but only ended up snapping off a chunk and sending them both crashing to the floor with an earsplitting yowl on both their parts.

"Kakkarot I swear I'm going to kick your ass for what you've put me through today," Vegeta threatened menacingly from beneath the larger saiyan. Trunks giggled, highly amused by the image of his oh-so-proud father wriggling beneath Goku's dazed corpse.

After the two had managed to stand up with little more damage to the kitchen, Bulma wandered up to the pot of makeshift turkey stew, which had ceased to boil and now rested in a kind of thick, viscous, globule in the steaming pot. She pulled out a spoon and scooped up some of the liquid, carefully avoiding any strangely-colored floating chunks, and licked it curiously. Her reaction was a mix of surprise and utter confusion.

"What the hell?" she muttered. "It's not that bad, but it doesn't taste like stew at all." Goku frowned and Chichi placed her hands on her hips.

"What _does _it taste like, pray tell?" She asked. Bulma took another sip.

"Well… it's kind of spicy… but kind of sweet… and salty. And very thick. It's just weird," she glanced up at Goku questioningly.

"Oh well the sweetness is probably the sweet potatoes," Goku said smiling. Chichi cocked an eyebrow.

"Sweet… what? Why in the world did you two buy sweet potatoes," she snarled, glaring at Vegeta again.

"That was not my idea," he exclaimed, "Kakkarot insisted on buying a bag of the sweet ones." Goku smiled sheepishly.

"I just wanted to see what they tasted like. Vegeta said –"

"I said nothing!" Vegeta roared, "I had nothing to do with this decision, Kakkarot!" Goku appeared taken aback, but quickly regained his composure with a sniff.

"Well either way, that's probably the sweet part. The spicy part might be the pepper. But isn't that normal?" Bulma sighed.

"Bell pepper, Goku, the sweet ones." Goku blinked.

"Sweet peppers? But I thought you told me not to put in the sweet potatoes."

"I did." Goku furrowed his eyebrows and crossed his arms.

"Well I don't see the problem here. Sweet peppers, sweet potatoes. There's no difference right? They're both sweet!" Chichi groaned and slapped her forehead. Vegeta smirked.

"You're such a ditz Kakkarot. No wonder you're a third class saiyan." Bulma cocked an eyebrow.

"I can see you weren't much better though, your highness," she addressed him, nodding towards the mess of meat on the counter. "The beef looks like it was attacked by a chain saw, not sliced by a civilized person in a household kitchen." Vegeta sniffed.

"You wanted the meat cut, I cut the damn meat. If you people have a specific art in the way of cutting meat that I'm not aware of, you may _enlighten_ me." He frowned. "On second thought, don't. I've had more than enough of that to last me a good five lifetimes." He stole a glance at Goku and shuddered.

"Well you could at least make them decently sized." She gingerly picked up a piece of red meat the size of her fist with her nails before letting it slip back on the counter with a sickening splat. "This is supposed to be barbequed on brochette sticks. We're not making hamburgers!" Vegeta growled irritably.

"Well no one told me. So shut up and be grateful I actually took the time to even bother with tending to your damn animal protein." Bulma sighed again.

"Could you have at least _tried_ not to completely destroy the house, for once? Why is it that you men _always_ have to resort to your muscles to get anything done? Is there _anything_ beneath that infernal, gravity-defying mop of hair of yours?" The woman asked incredulously. Vegeta narrowed his eyes.

"I can tell you right now these muscles have saved your ass and this entire planet more times than you can imagine. So I suggest you shut your mouth immediately before I decide to stand by and watch the next time some freaky alien genotype or murderous rampaging android decides to stick a lead pipe up your –"

"Well, we'd better get to cleaning this place up soon before the guests arrive," Chichi exclaimed as she glanced at her watch.

"DAMNIT, STOP INTERRUPTING ME! THIS ISN'T PUBLIC TELEVISION!" Vegeta seethed.

"Calm down Vegeta, no one said it was." Goku tried to pacify the prince, waving around his wooden spoon.

"Oh can it, Kakkarot!" Vegeta spat. "I've had damn well enough of this!" With that, Vegeta pushed past the intruders and stomped towards the door, slamming it open with a bang.

"So we'll see you at the barbeque?" Goku asked cheerfully from the kitchen.

"FUCK THE BARBAQUE!" Vegeta screamed, flipping the saiyan off for good measure before zipping off into the air.

"He's so enthusiastic," Goku noted fondly.

"How profane!" Chichi snorted, removing her hands from over Goten's ears.

"Enough lazing around. Lets clean this up. We'll make do with what we have," Bulma finally said, grabbing a broom from a cupboard in the living room and throwing it to Goku. "All right Big Man! Time to make yourself useful for once!"

...

That afternoon, beneath a clear sky and blazing sun, the Z warriors, the Kami House gang, and various other acquaintances from past and present were gathered around a broiling barbeque and a long table. Master Roshi and Baba argued over some 50 year old incident, a distressed Coran attempting to appease them both, alongside the busily eating Oolong, Puar, and Turtle. Piccolo and Dende shared news of the upper world over a glass of water, ignoring the rudely loud noises coming from Yajirobe, eagerly devouring lopsided brochette after lopsided brochette. Krillin amiably chatted away with Tien while snatching warning glances at Yamcha who flirted away with a less-than-interested Eighteen. Videl conversed politely with Mr. and Mrs. Briefs, while Gohan beside her snatched up his younger brother in mid run, who looked at him with rueful eyes when Chichi came storming after him. The young Trunks quickly came to his friend's aid, trading a warm (and likely stolen) cookie and racing away from the Son's vengeful, oven-mitted mother. Bulma tended to the barbeque with the floating Chaotzu's help, distributing the food via floating express. Goku had managed to drag Vegeta away from his precious gravity room, and eagerly offered the reluctant prince some meat to make amends.

One familiar with the earlier incidents of the day would be pleased to know that the large salad was relatively in-tact, not having suffered the wrath of Goku's greasy attempt at a dressing, and neither was present the questionable stew which had been left out for the various dinosaurs and dragons and sabertooths and other regular wildlife inhabitants of the woods (who ironically hadn't dared touch it yet).

Instead, a last minute spread of simple, oven-ready appetizers had been set out, along with some chips and dips, and some celery sticks (no corny rhyme intended). Ice-cooled drinks varying from water and punch to bottled beer sweat beneath the warm sun in metal bins filled with melting ice. Vegeta's hacked meat "cubes" were openly roasted with what remained of the onions and peppers on the barbeque spit over a ki-induced fire.

"Well, it seems that this day wasn't a complete disaster," Bulma remarked, handing Goku his seventh brochette.

"Mmmm, true," the saiyan replied, meat disappearing into his mouth. Vegeta grunted as he nibbled on his own.

"Maybe we could do this again, but next time, Chichi or I would stay to watch over you guys," Bulma commented. Vegeta shot her a withering glare.

"Never again," he hissed. Bulma raised her eyes to the sky, her lips curling into a smile.

"Never again," she repeated in a sing-song voice.

...

**.:Author's Note:.** So here you are. Yet another chapter of rude humor and some weird shit. I don't even know where this shit comes from.

Yeah. Reviews? :D - Review-whore-face. YOU KNOW YOU'VE USED IT.

And remember to leave me any ideas or tips, or just something you'd like to see me attempt at. Just a thought.

-DxH


	3. Ch 3: Bowling Balls and Angry Saiyans 1

**.:Author's Note:. **Whooooo! Hey guys! Sorry for the long wait. I had to type up a whole other chapter before I could upload the others, for the sake of pacing the story. Feel free to let me know if this chapter's "humor" feels too stressed or forced. I've had the idea for a while, but it's so ridiculous it's difficult to write without sounding stupid. Oh well. I tried.

And just the let you know, I have no idea where this fic is going to end up. It's really just a series of ridiculous situation ALL of which so far have managed to find themselves separated into two parts. FOR SOME REASON. Maybe I should upload them as longer single chapters? But then updates would be slower. Tell me which you would prefer!

-DxH

...

Chapter Summary: The Briefs and the Sons have been invited to enjoy a day at the bowling ally! But are video games and bowling balls really saiyan-friendly? What happens when our prince gets competitive? With tension and testosterone flying through the air, things are bound to get ugly!

...

Chapter 3: Bowling Balls and Angry Saiyans! Part 1

...

"Daddy!" Goku whirled around just in time to snatch the small, bushy-haired saiyan out of the air as he sailed towards him with bright round eyes.

"Hey squirt! You're excited this morning," Goku commented, swinging his youngest son through the air. Goten squealed and leapt on his father's shoulders peering down into his father's face.

"Bulma invited us to go bowling with them! Can we go? Please?" Goku blinked.

"Bowling? What's that?" Goten threw up his hands and huffed impatiently.

"You don't know what bowling is? God dad you're so lame." Goku scratched his cheek awkwardly.

"Sorry son…. Been kinda busy, you know, saving the world and all," he chuckled. Goten's face broke out into a smile.

"Yeah I know. Well anyways," the boy excitedly waved his arms through the air, "bowling is this super fun game where you have to roll a big ball into a stack of bowling pins, and you have to try and hit them all." Goku nodded thoughtfully.

"Doesn't sound too hard," he reasoned. "Is your mom alright with it?"

"Uhuh! She said we should all go! It's been a while since the family's done something together." Goku grinned.

"Alright, bowling it is!" he cried enthusiastically, pumping a fist in the air.

...

"Bowling? You've got to be fucking kidding me!" Vegeta glared heatedly at Bulma, who was pulling out a coat from the closet.

"Chill out, Vegeta. It won't kill you to spend a bit of time with your family. You're practically a stranger to Trunks unless you're beating the tar out of the poor kid."

"I'm not beating him up, I'm training him," Vegeta hissed. Bulma rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, since he could walk. Lovely job you've been doing with that."

"I still refuse to go."

"Fine then. Though I'm surprised you would pass up an opportunity to challenge your _dearest_ Goku." At the name of his arch enemy, Vegeta's eye twitched.

"Kakkarot will be there?" Bulma rolled her eyes, stuffing some lipstick in her handbag.

"Of course he is. I told you, I invited Chichi and her family to go with us." Vegeta growled. The corner of Bulma's mouth twitched in amusement.

"Oh come on. Maybe you'll actually beat him this time… if you're lucky." Vegeta bristled.

"Shut it, woman. I don't need a bowling game to show him my superiority." Bulma grinned cheekily.

"Because using your fists works so well."

"Woman, I swear –"

"Hey mom, hey dad, are we leaving yet?" Trunks' head popped through the doorway, his eyes bright and curious. Bulma smiled.

"Of course, Trunks. Your father and I will be right there," she replied confidently. Vegeta opened his mouth to protest, but was silenced by a narrow-eyed glare from his ex-lover. He snapped his mouth shut, stuffed his hands into his pocket, and trudged behind Bulma out of the house.

...

The Briefs and Sons met at the bowling alley of Satan City around noon and a quarter, when the sun was still bristling with heat and energy in the sky. The cool, air-conditioned atmosphere of the building was readily embraced as the group entered the alley. Surprisingly enough, the bowling alley was relatively packed, and filled with amiably chattering groups the ends of each ally, and the sound of laughter, clinking glasses, and tumbling pins echoed throughout the room. Bulma and Chichi went ahead to the check-in station to pay and acquire some bowling shoes. The rest of the group – all saiyans and demi-saiyans – stood beside the railing and looked down at the bowling allies.

Trunks tugged at Goten's shirt and pointed across from them, where a dozen large machines stood in a small arcade, buttons and lights flashing tauntingly.

"Hey dad, can we go play some videogames?" Trunks asked. Vegeta, clad in a red jersey, blue jeans, and a black fitted leather jacket, grunted.

"Do what you want."

"Can we have some money?" Vegeta raised an eyebrow.

"Does it look like I carry cash around me? Ask your mother." Trunks turned and zipped off towards Bulma and Chichi, who were waiting patiently in line, with Goten trailing behind him. Gohan chuckled as Trunks pulled on his mother's skirt and raised a demanding, open hand.

"That kid's blunt honesty reminds me a lot of you, Vegeta," he remarked. Vegeta scowled.

"Not nearly as cute though," Goku mused, averting his eyes as Vegeta's burning eyes snapped towards him.

"A saiyan isn't supposed to be _cute_," he spat angrily. "We are fearsome warriors born and bred to fight and conquer, to spread fear and –"

"Vegeta, you're at least a head or two shorter than me and you insist on wearing bright blue spandex when we fight. That isn't really the epitome of fearsome in my opinion. And your conquistador monologues aren't fooling anyone, by the way." Vegeta's jaw dropped and he released an indignant squeak.

"That… I… that Saiyan armor is built for protection, comfort, and optimal flexibility and speed of movement, I'll have you know," Vegeta sputtered. Gohan began edging sideways, not wanting to become part of another scuffle between the two pure-blooded saiyans.

"Besides," Vegeta spat, "What kind of warrior wears orange to battle, huh? Way to keep yourself inconspicuous!" This time it was Goku's turn to frown.

"Hey, my gi style is in honor of the master I trained under. Besides, I don't need to hide when I fight. That's plain low."

Before Vegeta could retort, Bulma returned, waving around a small white ticket.

"Alright, we have reservations. We need to wait for the next spot to open up though. It shouldn't take more than 20 minutes." She looked around.

"Where's the arcade?" Gohan pointed and Bulma ushered them over to join Chichi and the younger boys in the small room. They weaved around a few machines and found Trunks and Goten duking it out over a game of Street Fighter. The two saiyans floated in place, as they were both clearly too short to play otherwise, and released a series of whoops and curses as their digital counterparts exchanged blows.

"So? Who's winning?" Bulma pipped up. Goten cheered as his character knocked out Trunks'.

"It's a tie now!" he announced cheerfully.

"Not for long!" Trunks countered, pushing another coin into the machine.

"What the hell is the point of these silly games?" Vegeta huffed. "If you're going to fight, you can do it for real."

"But that's not the point," Gohan countered. "Videogames are all about the surreal experience and the mental stimulation caused by such games. They stimulate adrenaline rushes as well as deductive and strategy-building abilities, and it's been proven that video games actually –"

"Nerd!" Gohan abruptly shut his mouth at the brief but loud interruption of the two players. He muttered something under his breath, shoving his hands in his hoodie pockets.

"I still don't see the point." Vegeta growled.

"Oh let them be, Vegeta. It keeps them occupied."

"That's true." Chichi added. "And personally, I'd rather they play their little games than actually fight. You know how much I hate having to clean Goten up every time he comes home all bloodied and brusied!"

"Bah, it's good for them," Vegeta insisted with a snort. Meanwhile, Goten had successfully beaten Trunks a second time, and joyously celebrated his victory.

"See? At least I can beat you at videogames!"

"Oh shut up, you were just lucky!"

"God, Trunks. You sound like your dad after he loses a fight against mine." Trunks bristled.

"Hey, my dad could totally beat your dad if he wanted to."

"No way. I bet my dad could even beat Vegeta at videogames, and he's never even played them!"

"Oh yeah? My dad would kick Goku's ass at this game! It's all about strategy, which, clearly, your dad lacks!"

"What was that?"

"Trunks, language," Bulma interrupted halfheartedly. The boys snapped up to stare at her and then immediately at their respective fathers.

"Dad, kick his ass!"

"Come on dad, you can beat him!"

Goku and Vegeta blinked confusedly.

"You want me to beat him up right here?" Vegeta smirked, amused. "That's fine with me but I doubt your mom would be too pleased when the employees throw us out."

"No," Trunks shook his head and gestured at the arcade game. "Beat Goku at videogames." Vegeta raised an eyebrow. Goten looked pleadingly up at Goku, who stared with a rather confused expression at the lit-up box.

"No way," Vegeta snapped. "If I'm going to fight Kakkarot it's going to be with my fists, not a childish little game of yours."

"Aww but dad!" Trunks complained. Goten laughed.

"Hah, I think your dad's scared," He taunted. Vegeta narrowed his eyes dangerously.

"Can it kid, or you're next on my death list. You look similar enough to your dad to make it possible." Goten winced and averted his eyes back to his father.

"Oh come on Vegeta, it sounds like fun," the taller saiyan insisted with a grin. He stepped up to the arcade game and looked down at the joystick and various buttons. "It doesn't look too hard." Vegeta clenched his teeth and glared.

"Please, Kakkarot. There's no honor in a false battle like this."

"Oh lay off Vegeta," Bulma laughed. "Put your honor aside for a bit at have a little fun. You always act like you've got a stick wedged up your ass or something."

"Mom, language."

"Sorry." Bulma stuck her tongue out playfully at her son.

"Come on Vegeta!" Goku insisted, then, with a mischevious grin, added, "unless you're scared I'll beat you again, of course." That caught Vegeta's attention. His eyes snapped up and he growled.

"You low-class piece of shit," he snarled. "You know full well I can't back off from a competition."

"But of course," Goku sang cheerfully. "Alright, Goten. You're going to have to show me how to work this thing!"

After picking out their characters, Goku selecting Ibuki ("Dad you perv!" "What?") and Vegeta opting for Vega ("How appropriate, Vegeta." "Shut up, Kakkarot."), Goten readied their match, regulating the time intervals to allow the adults some practice time.

"Alright, see dad it's pretty simple. You use the joystick here," he fiddled with the short stick protruding from the machine, "to move your character around. Then you use these buttons to attack. These two punch, these two kick, this one to block, and when you combine some of the buttons, you get combo attacks. Get it?"

"Uh, I think so," Goku answered hesitantly. He took the joystick in his hand and began moving it around. As his character paced back and forth, and hopped around, the man's face lit up.

"Oh wow! This is great!" He exclaimed cheerfully, trying out the button attacks. Trunks was giving similar instructions to his dad, who stared at the joystick in a rather repulsed manner before allowing himself to try a few practice moves.

"I still think this is a ridiculous waste of time," he muttered under his breath.

"Aw come on, 'Geta. It'll be fun!" Vegeta glared at the older saiyan.

"I told you not to call me that!" he growled, clenching the joystick.

"Dad, woah, calm down," Trunks said as he tried to pacify his father. "Don't break the joystick or you won't even be able to move your character!" Vegeta snarled but loosened his grip on the piece of machinery.

"Well, we'll let you two have your fun," Bulma intervened. "Chichi and I are going to get some food and pick up the shoes, and we'll meet you all at the alley once you're done." Goten and Trunks nodded and returned to instructing their fathers.

"All right, you two ready?" Goten asked. Both warriors grunted in assentment, Goku's face lit up in excitement and Vegeta's furrowed in a determined scowl.

"Then ready, set, go!" Goten and Trunks cried in unison. Goku immediately tapped his joystick to the side and began pressing buttons randomly. Vegeta did the same, and their respective sons watched wide-eyed as the pixilated characters exchanged blow upon blow. Goku managed to unleash a special combo attack, and he and Goten whooped as Vega's life bar zipped down to zero.

"That was lucky!" Vegeta growled. Trunks nodded and everyone's attention returned to the screen as round two was announced. Vegeta immediately began mashing the colored buttons, attacking Goku's character with such force that Goku could only press the block button and wait for the warrior to cool off.

"That's not fair!" Vegeta snarled. "It's not physically possible to block a blow from a metal weapon like this without retaining some degree of damage!" Trunks shrugged and urged him on. Goku noticed a pause in Vegeta's character and took the opportunity to begin striking back. Both warriors pounded at each other, Goku avidly using the joystick and Chun Lee's uncanny ability to jump around in a rather flexible manner to bounce around Vega's attacks.

"Damnit Kakkarot this isn't a dance routine! Stop running away and fight back!"

"But I'm not going anywhere!"

"You know what I mean!"

"Dad you should use the block button more. You're running out of health."

"Shut it, brat. I'll fight this how I want to."

Finally, Vegeta was able to knock out Goku's character with a series of blows Goku was too distracted to block, and huffed triumphantly.

"Hah, there you go. It wasn't all that hard to beat you," he smirked. Goku grinned back.

"Don't get so cocky yet, Vegeta. We still have one more round."

The two warriors stood side by side, joystick in one hand and the other hovering over the buttons. As the machine announce the start of the final round, both warriors immediately commenced their fighting. Goten and Trunks cheered avidly, though both could tell their fathers were trying harder to control their strength against the mechanical parts than to actually battle it out. Goku caught an edge in the battle and managed to use Chun Li to corner Vega and unleash a series of quick kicks on him.

"Damnit!" Vegeta pressed the block button, but Goku's attacks were too quick to allow the character to block. Furious, Vegeta jerked his joystick against the flow of Chun Li's attacks, only to have the joystick snap off the machine with a resounding crack. Goku immediately stopped and all four of them watched as Vegeta stared at the piece of metal in his hand.

"Bah," he said finally, "cheap piece of shit."

"Yeah but now you can't move," Trunks reminded him.

"Shit!" Vegeta cursed, throwing the piece of metal over his shoulder.

"Lucky~!" Goku hummed. As Goku moved his character towards Vegeta's immobile one, the smaller saiyan tried desperately to block the blows, only to discover the button was entirely not working.

"FUCK!" He slammed his fist down on the counter, cracking open the entire right side of the machine. A sharp hiss and puff of smoke leapt from the damaged counter.

"Geez, Vegeta, you're ruining the whole machine," Goku whined, continuing his barrage of attacks on Vega. Trunks was more surprised that the arcade machine was still working than anything else.

"This whole thing is just ridiculous!" Vegeta fumed. Just as Goku was unleashing a final combo set on Vega, the saiyan pulled back his arm and slammed a fist into the monitor, which shattered under his blow, sending glass and metal bits to the ground.

"Awww Vegeta! I was just about to win too!" Goku whined. Vegeta snarled and pulled his arm out of the machine, shaking off the bits of glass and trudged out towards the exit of the room.

"Enough of this nonsense. Let's go find that useless woman and the harpy before I'm forced to destroy all these pointless machines." Goku sighed, looking down apologetically at the machine. Trunks looked up at Goku and shrugged.

"It's all right. I kind of figured this would happen. Dad doesn't have the patience for video games." Goku nodded and followed Vegeta out of the arcade center. Goten and Trunks trailed behind.

"Well I think my dad won this round," Goten announced.

"No way, dad could totally have beaten him!" Trunks retorted.

"Except he didn't because he _broke_ the freaking machine!" Trunks smirked.

"It's 'cuz he doesn't know his own strength," he announced confidently.

"Yeah well at least my dad can control his strength," Goten snapped back. Trunks suddenly stopped in his tracks, causing Goten to abruptly smack into his friend.

"Hey, what's the big idea, Trunks?" Goten whined, rubbing his nose. Trunks grinned and pointed at the food court, where a large ice cream sigh was flashing in neon.

"Hey, want some ice cream?" He asked. Goten grinned.

"Yeah!" They scurried over to Goku and Vegeta, who were walking towards the bowling area. Goten immediately clamped on to his father's leg, causing the large saiyan to stumble forward in surprise.

"Whoa! Hey son, what's up?" he asked, looking down at the small demo-saiyan with a playful grin.

"I want ice cream!" Goten piped. Trunks tugged at the hem of Vegeta's shirt.

"Please dad?" Vegeta grimaced.

"Stop behaving like such a child, Trunks." The boy pouted.

"But I'm nine years old, dad."

"That has nothing to do with it. At your age I spent my days in hard combat, often with only tree bark and insects to eat. You don't see me complaining." Trunks grimaced as his face took on a gentle shade of green.

"Eeeeew," Goten said, wrinkling his nose.

"Just for once?" Trunks continued. Vegeta rolled his eyes.

"I don't have any money, remember? Go ask your mother." Trunks scowled. Goku chuckled.

"I'll get you two something. Chichi gave me a bit of money before we left."

"All right!" The boys cheered. Vegeta grunted.

"I'm staying right here," he state bluntly, leaning on the rail for emphasis. Goku shrugged.

"Suit yourself, Vegeta." The prince crossed his arms and watched the saiyan head for the ice-cream counter, children in tow.

...

**.:Author's Note:.** Mmmmm... yeah this chapter was a bit dull in my opinion. The next one too. Except for a a few certain guest appearances that are going to fluff our saiyan prince's hair the wrong way. As usual. I'll try to update soonish!

Remember to review!

-DxH


	4. Ch 4: Bowling Balls and Angry Saiyans 2

**.:Author's Note:. **Hey guyz, it's me! The abominable writer back with another ridiculous chapter of this... disaster of a story. Dear god why am I still writing this...

DEAR GOD WHY DO I HAVE THIS MANY REVIEWS ALREADY?

Oh well. Crappy humor be damned, I'll keep writing until I get bored. And so far, no signs of such a thing D:

BY THE WAY. Sorry for the delay. I meant to update this over the weekend, but fanfiction was being weird and wouldn't let me edit my stories/upload chapters for a long time. So yeah.

Uh... well... notes... right, so, there's a few "OCs" in here - really just for the purpose of running the plot. They don't spend a lot of time here - I might have one or two return later for certain purposes but yeah... nothing to worry about.

So yeah, enjoy the ridiculousness.

-DxH

...

Chapter Summary: The Briefs and the Sons have been invited to enjoy a day at the bowling ally! But are video games and bowling balls really saiyan-friendly? What happens when our prince gets competitive? With tension and testosterone flying through the air, things are bound to get ugly!

...

Chapter 3: Bowling Balls and Angry Saiyans! Part 2

Ch. 4

Vegeta shook his head and glanced down at the ally, eyes looking around for the blue-haired woman, the harpy, and her wonder-boy son.

"Hey there." Vegeta jerked his eyes to his right, where a voluptuous blond in a short skirt and top that showed too much midriff and chest for public decency had sidled up beside him. She fluttered her eyelashes coyly up at him. Vegeta blinked, his face still locked in a scowl. The girl continued.

"I noticed you here by yourself and decided to pay you a visit." Vegeta tried not to roll his eyes.

"What If I want to be left alone?" he growled. She chuckled, her chest bouncing with each note.

"Ooooh, aren't you the bad boy," she purred. Vegeta did roll his eyes this time.

"You have no idea." She giggled.

"Mmmm I don't mind," she said, sliding up closer so that her skin was pressed against the leather on his coat.

"Trust me, you would," Vegeta said dryly. "Now please get away from me before I blow off those hideously fake breasts of yours." The girl turned a bright shade of pink and looked down for a minute, before leaning back against the rail.

"Geez, you're no fun," she pouted.

"Tell someone who cares," he answered. Suddenly, two brunettes joined them, one of them hooking an arm through the blond's.

"Hey Cass, aren't you going to introduce us to the stud?" The blond smiled coyly.

"No way," she sassed. The girls giggled, and one of the brunettes settled on the rail to his left. Vegeta felt the urge to shove her over the edge but strangled it. No need to attract any attention. It would only get the woman pissed off, and he'd hear it for months. Not to mention to gravity room would get deactivated until her steam blew off. These bimbos weren't worth it.

"Wow, you're really chiseled," she noted, running a finger along his arm. He narrowed his eyes and didn't respond.

"So…. got a girlfriend?" The other brunette joked. The saiyan prince ignored her as well. Suddenly, he looked up and almost grunted in relief as he saw Goku returning from the food hall. The taller saiyan blinked and paused when he noticed the irritable prince surrounded by unfamiliar women, but grinned and waved as he sauntered up.

"Hey 'Geta," he greeted the saiyan, ignoring the furtive looks of the other girls.

"Don't call me that," the prince snapped. "What the hell took you so long?"

"Oooh, who's your friend the brunette to his left giggled. Vegeta ignored her and glared demandingly at Goku, who chuckled and raised his hands passively.

"Sorry, how long did I take?" Vegeta narrowed his eyes.

"Too long," he growled Goku laughed.

"Aww, did you miss me?" Vegeta narrowed his eyes dangerously.

"Don't make me throttle you in public, Kakkarot," he snapped. The first blond left Vegeta's side to stop by Goku, looking up at him with a seductive look.

"Hey. So your name's Kakkarot?" She asked. Goku looked down at the girl as if noticing her for the first time and smiled.

"Nope, my name's Goku. Only Vegeta calls me that." The girl appeared slightly taken aback, her eyes flitting between the two men.

"Oh," she said quietly. Vegeta suddenly blinked and glanced around Goku before looking back up at him with a frown.

"Hey, where are the brats?" he asked. Goku blinked and smiled.

"Don't worry. They're eating their ice cream at the food court, because they didn't allow food to be brought out here." Vegeta grunted.

"It's a foolish waste of time. You're too soft, Kakkarot." Goku grinned lopsidedly.

"Oh come on, Vegeta. Let them have their fun. I swear Trunks is just as stubborn as you are." Vegeta sniffed.

"Yes well unfortunately, your soft ways are rubbing off on him. He's not taking his training as seriously as he should be." As the two saiyans conversed back and forth, the three girls were glancing back and forth between them, something dawning on each of their features. Goku suddenly turned back to the women.

"Sorry if I was interrupting your conversation with Vegeta," he addressed them with a smile. They started, surprised at the sudden recognition. The brunette at the prince's side took a step away from him.

"Sorry," she quickly apologized. "I mean, we didn't know. We were only talking to him, I swear." Goku blinked.

"Huh? Didn't know what? And, well, yeah," he asked, grinning in a slightly confused manner, "what else would you be doing?" The girls glanced at each other nervously. Vegeta cocked an eyebrow at their strange expressions. They almost looked frightened, but not quite.

Suddenly, Goten and Trunks raced out from the cafeteria and scampered up to join their fathers.

"Hey dad!" Goten cried, Goku smiled and patted his head.

"Hey guys. Enjoy your ice cream?" Both beamed up at him. Trunks then blinked and looked at the women around them.

"Who are the girls?" he asked bluntly. The closest brunette squealed.

"Oh they're so cute!" She exclaimed, staring at the two boys. "Are they both yours'?" She glanced between Goku and Vegeta.

"Well yeah," Goku grinned. She grinned and ruffled both demi-saiyans' heads, much to Goten's confusion and Trunks' irritation.

"How cute! They look just like you two!" Goku grinned.

"Yeah I get that a lot. And Trunks definitely has his father's face, as well as a lot more," he chuckled, patting the kid's head fondly. Trunks and Goten shuffled behind Goku, staring at the cooing women with wariness.

"It's so sweet," the brunette smiled fondly, glancing at the two of them. Goku cocked his head curiously.

"What is?" he asked.

"Well," she giggled, "you two. You don't see a lot of happy couples like you, with kids and all to boot."

"Like… us?" Goku asked, confusion heavy in his voice. The meaning of her words hit Vegeta like a lead stone.

"WHAT THE HELL?" he screeched, almost shocking the blond at his side over the rail. The prince took a defensive step forward, staring at the brunette with a mix of indignant fury and incredulous shock. "What possibly makes you think that… that… I would be with a third-class clown like this?" he yelled angrily, pointing an accusing finger at the still-oblivious Goku.

"I don't really get it yet, but that's not very nice, Vegeta," Goku frowned.

"Yeah, daddy really likes you Vegeta! Stop being such a meanie!" Goten piped up from behind his father's leg.

"Can it, brat!" Vegeta snapped. The brunette composed herself and smiled slyly.

"Ooooh, I see. It's one sided isn't it?" she asked Goku with a knowing grin. "He must be tough to handle." Goku blinked and Vegeta roared in fury.

"WHAT…? NO… JUST….! He has nothing to do with any of this either! He's married, damn it all! We're NOT together, and there's NONE of this NONSENSE going on between us!" The blond giggled and sidled up to her companion.

"He's in denial," she chuckled. Vegeta roared, gathering his ki in a hand and ready to blast the entire day to hell. Goku quickly noticed the dangerous situation and grabbed the prince's arm, sharply hauling him away.

"Well, gotta go! We have to meet our friends at the bowling ally! Nice meeting you!" he called over his shoulder. The women laughed and cheered and Vegeta released an angry string of insults as Goku dragged him across the room.

"Have fun, you two!" One of them called.

"Yeah, don't get too excited," another yelled, followed by a series of giggling and catcalling. Vegeta clamped his mouth shut and focused on giving them a smoldering glare he hoped might miraculously cause them to burst into flame. No such luck, however.

Finally, Goku was able to release the saiyan prince once he'd calmed, still not quite sure why he was so upset. Goten and Trunks followed behind quietly, Goten about as clueless as his father, and Trunks, who had quickly caught on, rather bemused. He, however, refused to explain anything to Goten.

Goku finally managed to locate Chichi, Bulma, and Gohan all seated at one of the bowling alleys and waving up at them.

"Hey guys, what took you so long? We were about to start without you!" Bulma asked as they approached. Vegeta stormed past her irritably and slumped down into a seat, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring at the floor. Bulma raised an eyebrow and glanced at Goku curiously. He shrugged and she sighed.

"I'm not going to ask what spat on his mood because it doesn't really matter either way," Bulma said. Goku rubbed the back of his neck.

"Sorry. I really don't know why either." Chichi rolled her eyes and pushed a set of shoes in each of the newcomers' hands.

"Thinking about it will just give you a headache. Put these on and we can start," she said. Vegeta stared skeptically at the green-striped and rubber-bottomed shoes.

"What's the point of these?" He inquired sharply.

"They keep you from slipping on the waxed floor. And it's in the rules, so don't even think about arguing." Chichi stated, hands on her hips for emphasis. Vegeta frowned but compliantly slipped on the shoes with the others.

"All right! Let's get this started!" Goku announced excitedly. A round of cheers went up as Bulma tapped in their four-letter initials into the record machine. Vegeta looked up at the television screen above them, which flashed a large graph with all their names on the vertical axis, and the round number on the other. The saiyan's eyes narrowed.

"Woman," he snapped dryly, "why am I registered as Geta?"

"Because 'Vegeta' wouldn't fit, obviously," Bulma retorted. "Or would you rather be entered as Vege?" Goten snorted and choked back a snicker. Vegeta shot a glare at the demi-saiyan child and simply grunted.

"I guess it's convenient to have a short name," Goku noted cheerily.

"Though it isn't even your real name," Vegeta muttered.

"It is too." Goku retorted.

"Enough you two," Bulma interceded. "Let's begin. It looks like Goten's up first." Goten cheered and trotted over to the rack of bowling balls. He picked up a few, weighing them in his hands.

"They're all so light, though!" he called back. Chichi chuckled.

"Sure they are. Just pick the heaviest and do your best!" Goten shrugged and pulled out a dark green ball, rolling it experimentally in his hands and throwing it up and down a few times before skipping to the boundary line. Across from him, down the long wooden-floored ally, the thirteen pins stood firm and expectant of the coming onslaught.

"Remember, be gentle Goten, we don't want to create another disaster," Chichi reminded her son.

"All right!" Goten held up the ball, three fingers in the hole before letting it drop and swing, his arm straight as he sent the ball rolling forward towards the pins. In less than a second, the bowling ball loudly clashed with the pins, and rolled down the gutter.

"Yeah! Strike!" Goten cheered. The others (with the exception of Vegeta, of course) clapped and congratulated him. Trunks went up next. Using a similarly weighted bowling ball, but this time the bowling ball literally snapped one of the pins in two as it collided with the group.

"Whoops," he glanced furtively at his mother, who cocked an amused eyebrow.

"Oh well. At least there are no holes in the wall," she chuckled.

"Yet," Vegeta muttered. Bulma ignored him and hopped up.

"My turn!" she cried, picking out a lighter orange bowling ball and swinging it experimentally. Bulma swung the ball forward, watching it closely as it swerved slightly to the left before colliding with the pins, taking down all but three.

"Oh, almost!" she yelped. With the second try, she managed to hit the remaining pins and whooped victoriously. Chichi went next, picking out a heavier ball to pose some challenge for her, and managed to hit most of the pins as well, but on the second try, the ball hit the gutter and rolled away from her mournful gaze.

"Aw it's alright Chichi! You'll do better next time!" Goku clapped his wife lightly on the back. She grinned and slumped back down next to Bulma.

"Alright Gohan. You're up." Gohan grabbed the heaviest bowling ball possible and stepped up to the ally. He sung it lightly and released it, flicking his wrist lightly. The bowling ball shot forward, slamming into the pins, colliding with the edge of the back gutter, and shooting back out to roll back at Gohan's feet – all before the pin-clearer could shove away the stunned pins.

"Uh…" Gohan looked curiously down at the bowling ball which sat loyally at his feet, "was it supposed to come back?" Bulma and the young demi saiyans burst out laughing as Chichi sighed, rubbing her forehead with her palm.

"No, Gohan. It wasn't. What did I tell you about restraint?"

"But I was!" he insisted. Goku laughed.

"I guess bowling isn't very saiyan-friendly!" he chuckled.

"But then again, what is?" Vegeta countered with a smirk. "Beside pounding peoples' faces into the dust."

"Sheesh Vegeta, there you go again being all morbid." Bulma sighed. "Man you sound like a kid who grew up never knowing the meaning of fun." Vegeta cocked an eyebrow.

"If I remember correctly, that's exactly how I grew up. Under the almighty 'Lord Freeza' my daily 'fun' consisted of a mission to some far off planet with orders to annihilate the entire population." Goku tapped his chin thoughtfully.

"Oh yeah… that's true isn't it. Man that's depressing. You need to get out more often."

"And what if I don't want to," Vegeta bristled. Goku flashed a lopsided grin.

"Well, that's your loss. And it looks like it's my turn now." The saiyan stood up, grabbing a bowling ball from the remaining pile and held it by the three holes.

"Like this Goten, right?" He asked. His son nodded approvingly and Goku turned back to the ally. The pins practically seemed to shake under the prospect of another unnaturally harsh blow.

"Restrained, and slow," he told himself quietly. Goku rolled the ball, watching it speed down the ally. 'Well it doesn't look like it went too – ' a loud crash echoed through the bowling center as the bowling ball collided with the pins, shattering every single one except for a lucky straggler, who hurriedly fell over to avoid any further onslaught. The ball itself was imbedded in the back of the wall, and rolled out of its makeshift socket into the gutter without any last remark.

"Well, at least you didn't completely blow a hole in the wall," Bulma sighed. Goku laughed.

"Yeah, I guess it could be worse."

"Well what are we going to do about Vegeta's turn? I think you just decimated the bowling pins, Goku." Gohan said, glancing at the remains of the pins swept into the gutter by the machine.

Vegeta grinned. "Why don't you go stand there, Kakkarot. I'll throw these bowling balls and see if you can dodge them."

"Dad, this isn't dodge ball."

"Shut up brat." Trunks puffed his cheeks and crossed his arms over his chest. Goku laughed nervously.

"Jeez, Vegeta. Even as a joke that's not very nice."

"I wasn't joking."

"Well either way, the bowling machine has a pin replacement device, so it's all good," Bulma announced. Vegeta grunted and got up to his feet.

"Too bad," he muttered, as he picked the heaviest bowling ball and returned to the ally floor. Vegeta brought back his arm and threw the bowling ball forward in a relaxed motion.

Somehow, the trajectory of the bowling ball managed to completely miss its designed track and flew across the ally, bounced off the gutter, and slammed into the pins of the ally beside theirs, decimating every pin and lodging itself inside the wall behind the gutter. Vegeta turned around with a victorious smirk.

"Strike." Bulma leaned her head on the computer monitor and groaned.

"You have to be kidding me," she muttered. Trunks and Goten fell into a fit of laughter, which doubled when they saw the enraged expressions of their neighbors.

"Uh, Vegeta, I don't think that counts. It didn't even register on the score chart," Gohan interjected, pointing at the screen. Vegeta narrowed his eyes.

"Can it, nerd." Gohan glared indignantly at the saiyan prince.

"What the hell? You too?" he cried. "What if I'm smart! How is that a problem?"

"You're making it one, idiot." Vegeta retorted, crossing his legs as he slumped down into his seat.

"Hey, which one of you fuckers thought it would be funny to destroy our pins?" Everyone's attention was turned to the deep voice that was angrily addressing them. Vegeta narrowed his eyes at a large man carrying a hefty weight around his midriff, covered in burly tattoos, and sporting a shaggy and messily cut head of black hair. His flattened face, which gave him the appearance of having walked into one wall too many, twisted into a threatening frown as he glanced between Vegeta and Goku, the more burly of the party. Vegeta smirked and stood up, taking a few steps forward.

"I did. Is there a problem?" he asked bluntly. The man's eyes locked on to him, looking him up and down before his lips turned up into a leering grin.

"Yeah, dickwad. You fucked up our game." The man cracked his knuckled threateningly. "You'd better pay for it, or I'm taking it out of your ass." Bulma sighed and Vegeta almost laughed.

"Really?" he taunted. "I'd love to see you try." This time, Bulma couldn't blame him for starting the fight. He gave her a triumphant look. The large man growled and took another step forward, standing less than five feet away.

"I'll make you regret that you –"

"Oh skip the bully monologue and get on with it," Vegeta interjected impatiently. The man snarled and raised a clenched fist.

"GOKU! VEGETA!" Vegeta almost plummeted to the ground as the disgustingly familiar high-pitched squeals pierced the air. Goku blinked and turned his head to see the three girls from before waving enthusiastically from the bowling ally beside them. He raised a tentative hand and waved back.

"Uh… hey…" he called quietly. Vegeta growled, fists tightening at his sides. The large man glanced from the girls to Goku and Vegeta.

"Brett, Angie, Cass!" he called to them angrily. "You guys know these assholes?" The blond pouted and flipper a curl over her shoulders, sauntering up to the man and placing a delicate hand on his arm.

"Of course we do! Stop being a meanie, Duke, and leave them be," she winked at Vegeta, "they have more important things to be doing." Vegeta glared murderously at the blond.

"For kami's sake there is NOTHING between –"

"Hey Goku!" the blond cheerfully greeted Goku, attempting to tug Duke away. He, however, remained steadfast and locked his eyes on Goku.

"How do you know them, Cassie?" he asked angrily. The girl smiled innocently and glanced at Vegeta.

"Well, I started talking to that hunky piece of man meat over there," Bulma raised an eyebrow, "and was planning on helping myself to a bite, but then I realized he already had someone else to satisfy his –"

"DEAR GOD WOMAN WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO GET YOU TO UNDERSTAND!" Vegeta screamed, practically ready to pounce on the girl. Goku took a cautionary step towards the prince, ready to intercept him should he try anything stupid. The girl named Cassie laughed and touched her cheek.

"There's no use being in denial, hun." Vegeta was sure she was simply taunting him at this point, but it was _pissing_ him the fuck off. More than it damn well should.

"I am NOT in denial because there is NOTHING to be in DENIAL about!" He screeched. "Now take that ugly pig out of here before I kill you ALL!"

"Man I've never seen your dad so riled up," Goten whispered to his friend. Trunks chuckled.

"Yeah, well he has reason. Though you're right… he is overdoing it a little." Gohan leaned over to the boys.

"Hey, do you guys know what's going on?" he asked, baffled. "Do these people know Dad and Vegeta?" Gohan and Trunks shrugged and looked up at Gohan with equal naivety.

"No idea," they replied in unison.

Duke was having no threats thrown around. At Vegeta's outburst, he growled and pulled his arm away from Cassie, stepping up close to Vegeta so that he towered above him.

"Woah, that guy is at least 2 heads taller than your dad!" Goten muttered excitedly. Trunks snorted.

"Yeah, like that matters."

"I have a bad feeling about this," Gohan said offhandedly.

"Take that back, asswipe," the huge man threatened, but before he could back his threat with anything in the least bit physical, Vegeta's fist shot forward into the man's abdomen, sending him hurling down the alley to crash into the bowling pins. The machine above them blipped and recorded a strike for Vegeta's turn.

"That is IT, I am LEAVING." The saiyan prince launched himself through the air, disregarding the muffled gasps around him, and shot out of the building. Goku stood frozen in place. It had all been too quick and sudden for him to register anything, not to mention the blond girl had latched herself to his arm at one point, and now stood staring in shock at the direction where Vegeta had disappeared.

"Does he do that often?" she asked.

"Which part?" he groaned. "The fighting or the flying?"

"Uh… both?"

"Too often. Much too often."

...

**.:Author's Note:. **Aaaaannnd there goes that chapter. Followed up, again, with an angry Vegeta. You know, I'm pretty sure all the next chapters involve an ending with a very much peeved prince. But then again, when is he not, right?

-DxH


	5. Ch 5: Alcohol and Awkward Moments 1

**.:Author's Note:.** Sorry for the delay, I had a lot of exams this week, and my AP exams are coming up in a week. After that I should be a lot more free to type though.

Anyways, another two-part storyline involving saiyans and alcohol. Fun.

Oh hey, has anyone noticed the reoccurring object in my stories~? Hint: Vegeta (hah, that's vague isn't it)

Remember to review! I know the stories are getting more boring, but I'd still appreciate some feedback.

-DxH

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Dragonball, Dragonball Z, or Dragonball GT. These are all owned by Akira Toriyama, Toei Animation, Funimation, and Fuji TV. If I did you'd have some serious crack on your hands.

...

Chapter Summary: Bulma hosts a party at Capsule corp, and of course, everyone's invited. Will the saiyans manage to behave? What about when the alcohol goes around?

...

Chapter 5: Alcohol and Awkward Moments Part 1

...

Vegeta growled, fumbling with the bowtie snagged tightly around his neck. Bulma slapped his hand away with a frown.

"Leave it alone, Vegeta. You'll only make it worse." The saiyan snorted, glaring at his reflection in the mirror. The straight-ironed suit rustled as he shifted uncomfortably in the constricting clothes.

"Honestly, woman, tell me again _why _I have to wear this absurd clown outfit? It's the most ridiculously uncomfortable combination of clothes imaginable. How do you get anything _done_?" Bulma rolled her eyes.

"Oh stop your whining Vegeta. It's proper formal attire. You don't host a formal party in blue spandex! Besides, it's not like you're going to run around fighting anyone, _right?" she berated him, applying a thin layer of pink lip-gloss to her lips. "Help me put on my necklace." She thrust a necklace of bluish-white pearls into the saiyan's hands and turned around, pulling her short blue curls above the nape of her ivory neck._

"And pray tell why _not_?" the saiyan grumbled, snapping the necklace in place around his ex's neck.

"Because it's rude and demeaning." she stated. "Not to mention you look absolutely ridiculous in that thing." He seethed.

"Because your own taste in men's clothes is _so_much better!" he snarled. "Don't think I haven't forgotten that ridiculous ensemble of pink and yellow you clothed me in the day Trunks arrived, and that hideous excuse for Gohan's undercover outfit," The woman smirked, sweeping her long, soft-teal colored dress around her ankles so she could step into a pair of white heels.

"It wasn't that bad," she insisted, winking. "I found it quite sexy." He shot a glare at her and stomped out of the room.

"Well if we're going, let's go. I want this over with." The woman sighed and followed suit, grabbing her white purse before downstairs and into the main room of the Capsule Corp building.

...

Goku stood in the front yard of his house, flanked by his wife and oldest son. He tugged at the black tie around his neck until Chichi sent him a glare.

"Where the hell is that damn namek?" She growled, the hem of her strapless black dress rustling over the grass. "I'm not waiting forever for him. We're heading over to Bulma's in five minutes, Mr. Greenbean present or not." Gohan chuckled nervously.

"I'm sure he'll be here soon," he insisted. Suddenly, both he and Goku looked up, and a smile touched Gohan's lips.

"He's here," he announced brightly. Seconds later, the tall green namekian landed on the grass, clothed in his usual purple gi and white cape, complete with the turban and ever-so-sour expression. Chichi narrowed her eyes.

"I hope you're not planning on going to the party in _that_," she spat, looking him up and down meaningfully. Piccolo snorted.

"I was, actually," he growled in response.

"No you won't." Chichi berated, "you are going to behave like any other civilized man and dress in appropriate attire." Piccolo glared at her.

"There is no way I am wearing one of those," he nodded towards Goku's chocolate-brown suit and black tie, and Gohan's white suit and red tie. "It's almost as ridiculous as our Great Saiyaman's abomination of an outfit," the namek eyed his pupil meaningfully. Gohan swallowed and looked down, cheeks warming to the color of his tie.

"If you go to the party in that outfit, I can assure you you'll attract much more undue attention than if you were dressed like a proper, civilized, human being. They might even look past the green." Piccolo snarled and huffed in acquittal, desiring to attract the least amount of attention possible at this event.

"Fine then, but I make my own." He said. A few seconds later the namek had traded his battle-outfit for a black suit and tie, just loose enough not to make him too uncomfortable.

"Happy, woman?" he snapped. Chichi sniffed and nodded satisfactorily. The three men prepared to lift off the ground and Goku began to wrap an arm around Chichi's waist when his wife smacked him over the head with her purse.

"No flying!" She ordered sternly. The three fighters stared at her in disbelief. Hands on her hips, Chichi glared at them all meaningfully.

"You're going to ruin your suits if you fly. Besides," she twirled on her heels and strode towards the white hover-car in their driveway, "what will the _normal_ guests think when the three of you just drop in out of the sky? Remember, there are going to be plenty of _normal _humans there. Because this is a _normal_ party celebrating a _normal_company's success." Goku looked down sheepishly, and Piccolo rolled his eyes.

"Fine, then. Whatever. We'll try to act _normal._" The four of them jumped in the car and drove to Capsule Corp beneath a black, star-studded sky.

Chichi parked the car and led the three men towards the brightly lit Capsule Corp building, surrounded by men and women in formal attire chatting good-naturedly among themselves. Goku and Gohan accompanied Chichi into a wide, marble-floored room lit by bright chandeliers and crowded with people, the reluctant namek dragging behind them. Weaving through the crowd, they followed Chichi until she stopped, wide smile on her mouth.

"Bulma, here you are!" She fondly hugged her friend. Goku smiled at Bulma, noticing the sour-faced prince beside her.

"Hey Vegeta," he greeted him with a smile. Vegeta glowered.

"Hello Kakkarot," he replied sourly.

"Lovely evening isn't it?" Goku continued. The smaller saiyan narrowed his eyes.

"Kakkarot if you're trying to make small talk, spare me. I have nothing to say to your ramblings." His eyes darted to Gohan and then to Piccolo, whence his lips twitched in amusement.

"What's this? The namek left his cave to join us civil folk? What an event. You're even wearing a suit, you dog," Vegeta said mockingly. Piccolo growled.

"Watch your mouth, Vegeta," he warned. Vegeta's smirk widened.

"Or what? You'll throttle me? Here? Would you really be willing to embarrass yourself in front of all these people by getting your ass handed to you?" Piccolo smirked.

"I'd be more embarrassed of having to lay a finger on someone so much smaller than me. Everyone will think me a bully." Vegeta snarled and took a threatening step forward.

"Repeat that, greenbean!"

"As much as you want, your royal prickness!"

"Guys that's enough!" Goku stepped forward, raising his arms passively between the two aggressive men. As he tried to pacify them both, Chichi and Bulma looked on from the food table.

"Those two are always so tense," Chichi sighed. "They really need to relax."

"Or get laid," Bulma muttered from behind a glass of champagne. Gohan choked on a cracker next to her. Chichi shook her head.

"That's true. It's a shame you and Vegeta broke up. I thought you had him tamed a bit for a while." Chichi noted. Bulma snorted softly.

"Vegeta? Tamed? That's like asking me to tame an adult tiger. Even the sex couldn't satisfy him. We had Trunks and that was it." Chichi nodded understandingly.

"Well Goku's much more laid back. He doesn't come to me much anymore, though. Always out somewhere training or fighting. We really haven't slept together much since Goten was born."

"That's too bad," Bulma sympathized, "he's a healthy young buck, isn't he." Chichi slapped Bulma's arm playfully with a purr. Gohan tried not to puke in his apple juice.

"I'm gonna go help dad," he muttered to his mom before escaping the awkward situation.

After managing to drag Vegeta away from the seething namek, who was in turn coaxed away by Gohan, Goku tugged the bitter saiyan towards the piles of delicacies lathered on a few wide tables, hoping the food would pacify him.

"Jeez Vegeta. Why can't you and Piccolo just get along?" Goku whined, eyes perusing over the quiches and pot pies and sweet meats lined up on the table. The saiyan prince growled under his breath.

"Why should I? He's a foul, ill-tempered, arrogant greenbean who doesn't know his rightful place," he snapped, snatching up a piece of bread.

"So he's just like you," Goku stated rather bluntly while shoveling a handful of crackers topped with ham-slices and pickles in his mouth. Vegeta sent the saiyan a piercing glare, swallowing his mouthful of bread. He grabbed an apple from a woven fruit basket and loudly bit into it.

"We are _nothing_alike," the prince snapped. Goku shrugged around his crackers, eyeing the apple in Vegeta's hands.

"Well you act like an old married couple so..." His eye well trained on the apple, and having come to expect this sort of reaction, Goku was easily able to dodge the round fruit which sailed past his ear to connect with the head of a waiter behind him, who yelped and crashed to the floor beneath his tray of champagne glasses. Goku glanced over his shoulder and slowly turned back towards the prince.

"You really should control that suppressed desire to throw things, Vegeta. It's dangerous you know." He led the seething saiyan away from the incident, molding them into the amiably chattering crowd, which had quickly gotten over the waiter's embarrassing "slip."

Once they'd escaped to the drinks table, Goku looked over the various bottles on the table or crowded in ice-filled metal basins.

"Hey Vegeta, want anything to drink?" He asked. Vegeta grunted, which the saiyan assumed to be a no. He shrugged and picked a bottle at random, pouring himself a glass of a dark, mead-colored liquid. He sipped at it tentatively, grimacing and smacking his lips distastefully.

"Eeeew. What the hell is this?" He loudly complained. Vegeta stole a glance at the bottle Goku had set back on the table and rolled his eyes.

"That's whisky, Goku. A strong alcoholic drink. Put it down before you find yourself naked in a dumpster in the middle of the ghetto." Goku's eyes widened.

"Whisky can do that to you?" He asked incredulously. Vegeta sighed and snatched the drink out of his hands, setting it on the table.

"It can do a lot worse," he stated. Suddenly a loud screech pulsed through the room, sending shocked bursts and winces all around. The saiyan prince massaged his ears and glared pointedly at Mr. Briefs, who stood awkwardly fumbling with the mic before raising it to his lips.

"Good evening everyone! Glad you could all join us! As you know, we've brought you all here to celebrate, not only Capsule Corp's 50th anniversary, but also success of some of our greatest achievements, made possible only by all of you. To begin, I'd like to thank -"

"On second thought I'll have a glass." Vegeta snatched up the glass of whiskey and downed it without a second thought.

...

Little more than three hours later, most of the guests had left, and Bulma was escorting the z warriors and their wives - namely 18 and Chichi - to the afterparty at the Brief's house. A slightly tipsy Vegeta slapped Goku's hand away as the saiyan offered to support him back to the house.

"Fuck off, Kakkarot. I don't need your help." Goku shrugged, but kept an eye on the dangerously swerving prince, whipping out a guiding hand to steer Vegeta away from the rude comfort of an incoming pillar. When they finally arrived at Bulma's house, they settled in the large, carpeted living room. The blue haired host pumped up some loud house music and opened the fridge.

"Who wants a beer?" She cried shrilly over the music. A chorus of "aye's" replied, and she pulled out two packs of Heineken beer, plopping it in the center of the group of men. They all reached in to peel out a bottle, snapping off the caps with their bare fists. Chichi slapped Gohan's hand away as the daring saiyan reached out to grab a bottle.

"No alcohol for you, young man," she admonished him. "Alcohol is bad for your brain! It could affect your studies." Gohan glanced, crestfallen, at the alcohol.

"But mom," he complained, "this is a party. Can't I just have one beer?"

"No way." Chichi countered firmly.

"Oh let wonder boy enjoy himself for once, you old harpy." Vegeta growled crossly, chugging his beer with ease. Chichi whirled around to face him, hands on hips.

"Because you're a fine example of a civilized, well-educated, human being aren't you. You've got so many muscles there's no more room for a brain!" Vegeta glared at the dark-haired woman.

"Being civilized never saved the world, let me remind you," he spat angrily, "and I'm not even human, so that should establish some kind of reason."

"I don't see you paying the rent with your muscles, you royal prick. You're just leeching off Bulma aren't you, like some hopeless bum." Vegeta bristled.

"Why you foul-mouthed, loathsome, low class, -"

"That's enough you two," Goku quickly intervened. "Vegeta have another beer. Chichi, why don't you go home? Gohan and Trunks are probably upstairs sleeping. It's well past their bed time. I'm sure Bulma doesn't mind Goten sleeping over." Chichi huffed, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Fine, but if you get drunk, don't bother coming home. I am not dealing with you hung-over. Last time that happened, you threw up all over my nicest carpet and punched a hole in the wall." Goku looked down sheepishly as his friends snickered around him. With one last glare at Vegeta, the woman stalked out of the house, pulling Gohan along with her. Vegeta spat in disgust, raising the bottle of beer to his lips and grimacing.

"Don't we have anything stronger than this watered-down donkey piss?" the saiyan prince demanded. Bulma rolled her eyes.

"There's some rum and vodka in the cabinet." She replied. Vegeta eyed her expectantly.

"So? Fetch it woman!"

"I'm not your slave Vegeta, get it yourself."

"You're the bloody host of this party. It's your responsibility to fetch the drinks."

"If I remember correctly, you were supposed to have a hand in this as well."

"I never promised anything. I attended your damn party and no one died. Be grateful." Bulma grit her teeth and stomped to the small wooden cabinet above the kitchen counter, snatching out two bottles of alcohol and slapping them down on in front of the prince.

"Here you go, your royal _fucking _highness," she snapped. Vegeta smirked triumphantly.

"Much obliged."

...

**.:Author's Note:. **Enjoy? Reviews? :D

-DxH


	6. Ch 6: Alcohol and Awkward Moments 2

**.:Author's Note:.** Legasp! An update~! I finally finished my exams last week, so I should have more time to write and update! (hah, that's funny).

But seriously, I will try... it's just... ooohhh this next chapter is so difficult to start =.= If anyone would like to offer something they would like to happen during their soul-switching moment, I'll accept any ideas and think them over!

Warning! Suggestive humor abroad!

-DxH

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Dragonball, Dragonball Z, or Dragonball GT. These are all owned by Akira Toriyama, Toei Animation, Funimation, and Fuji TV. If I did you'd have some serious crack on your hands.

...

Chapter Summary: Bulma hosts a party at Capsule corp, and of course, everyone's invited. Will the saiyans manage to behave? What about when the alcohol goes around?

...

Chapter 6: Alcohol and Awkward Moments Part 2

...

One bottle of Smirnoff, two of Skyy Vodka, half a bottle of Captain Morgan, and two more beer packs later, the z warriors, most of which were intoxicated to the point of embarrassment (with the exception of Piccolo and 18 who had stuck to water and observing the ridiculous antics of their friends) sat in a circle in deep reminiscence. Chaotzu was lying prone and very much asleep next to Tien. All of them had shed their suit jackets, and Yamcha had made it a point to rid himself his shirt entirely.

"Hey guys remember when Vegeta and Nappa first got here?" Yamcha pointed out. "We were pretty damn weak back then, weren't we."

"You're still weak," Vegeta growled, words slurring together. "I doubt you could beat me if I were still as powerless as when I first landed on this godforsaken planet."

"Hey that was uncalled for," the warrior pouted.

"You still got your ass kicked by Goku though," Tien nudged. The saiyan prince sneered.

"Yeah after killing half of you." A round of shudders passed through the room as they remembered their untimely deaths.

"But you didn't actually manage to kill anyone, Vegeta," Piccolo added from the couch. "If I remember correctly, Nappa's the one who did all the killing until you decided to zap him into oblivion." Vegeta glared at the namek.

"Thank you for reminding me. I spend half a day on some pathetic planet with the hopes of finding the Dragonballs and killing off all the inhabitants, and instead I leave empty handed and having only managed to kill my own useless partner. I'm sure you realize how much I loved that point in my life," Vegeta muttered.

"Well at least you're not as hormonal as when you first got here," Krillin pointed out, taking another swig from his beer.

"Shut it, cueball," Vegeta snapped angrily, "I could still destroy this whole planet if I wanted to."

"Nu-uh," Krillin retorted, "Goku would surely stop you."

"Huh?" Goku's head snapped up and he blinked his eyes sleepily, trying to rub away the relaxing effects of the alcohol in his system. Vegeta glanced at the disheveled saiyan and laughed haughtily.

"Pah, Kakkarot can do nothing! He's more human than saiyan warrior. He's a disgrace to our race!" Goku yawned.

"Well you've settled down quite nicely," he said, "with a family and everything. I'd say you're pretty accustomed to human traditions now." Vegeta growled angrily.

"I am not human!" He yelled, scrambling to his feet. "I'll show you all! I'll blow up his whole planet right now!" With that, the saiyan began gathering chi in his right hand and raised it above the half-coherent warriors. 18 and Piccolo rose from their seats.

"FINAL Fl- urgh!" Vegeta suddenly turned and rushed out of the room, slamming the door to the bathroom behind him. The z warriors roared with laughter at the sounds of the proud prince regurgitating his innards. Goku shook his head. He glanced at Bulma, who was passed out on the floor next to Piccolo and 18, and guessed she wasn't going to do much to help.

A few minutes later, Vegeta returned, grumbling about the alcohol screwing with his concentration.

"Looks like you couldn't do it after all," Krillin snickered. Vegeta snarled and snatched up the smaller man by the collar, lifting him up to his nose.

"I'd watch your mouth if I were you, pint size. I might decide to throw you out the window." Krillin wrinkled his nose. 18 glanced at the clock and stood up, snatching her husband from Vegeta's hands.

"Time to go home." She stated, slinging Krillin over her shoulder and walking out the door. Krillin waved limply before they shot up into the night. Piccolo grunted, glancing one last time in mild amusement at the drunken idiots, before leaving as well.

"Well that's one less idiot to deal with," Vegeta sniffed, opening another beer.

"Vegeta, don't you think you've had enough?" Goku inquired, waving his own empty bottle at the smaller saiyan.

"Unlike you, Kakkarot, I can hold my liquor. I had to attend formal ceremonies even as a child, you know."

"I'm surprised your liver isn't gone yet," Tien mumbled. Vegeta shot him a glare and downed his bottle. Goku shrugged. Less than an hour later, every guest with the exception of the two saiyans were lying prone and passed out on the ground, snoring loudly enough to stir up a storm.

Goku stood up and looked around at the mess in the dining room, filled with strewn clothes, bottles, and unmoving corpses.

"Well, looks like we've got to clean this up," he mumbled. Vegeta, still sitting on the ground and leaning on the wall glanced up at Goku.

"We? I'm not cleaning this mess. That's the woman's job." Goku cocked an eyebrow, glancing at the prone Capsule Corp CEO, snoring quite loudly in the carpet.

"I don't think Bulma's really capable of anything right now," he replied.

"And?" Goku shook his head and gathered some of the discarded bottles, throwing them in the recycling bin. He then gently picked up Bulma, trying not to trip as his own sight wavered quite a bit and looked up at Vegeta.

"Uh... where's Bulma's room?" He asked. Vegeta rolled his eyes.

"Down the hall to your left. Don't get lost, idiot." Goku nodded and turned around, nearly slamming into the wall. He took a few steps to the side before marching forward through the hallway and slamming open the door, setting the unperturbed woman on her bed. Goku stumbled back to the living room to find Vegeta had disappeared.

"Vegeta?" He called out. "Hey 'Geta!"

"Don't call me that, nitwit!" A snarl from up the stairs responded. Goku hopped over the discarded bodies and latched on to the stairway banister, tumbling (if it were possible) up the stairs.

"Hey Vegeta where am I supposed to sleep."

"On the couch, idiot."

"The couch is taken."

"Then on the floor."

"But everyone's snoring, and there's no room," the younger saiyan whined. Vegeta, sitting on his bed and attempting to wrestle off his shirt, shot a glare at the saiyan standing in his doorway.

"Well figure something out because this is my room and I'm sleeping here."

"Aww can't I sleep here too? I'll sleep on the floor!" Vegeta snarled, pulling off a shoe.

"Not a chance, Kakkarot. There's no way you're sleeping anywhere near me." Goku pouted.

"But we're friends now right?"

_Klunk_

"OW! Hey that wasn't cool Vegeta!" Goku massaged his nose, where Vegeta's discarded shoe had smacked him straight in the face.

"We're not friends, Kakkarot. Try to wrap your insignificant little brain around that." The prince hissed.

"But I want us to be friends! You're not that bad Vegeta. Just a bit emotional."

"I'm not emotional!" Vegeta flared, "I'm not a woman for Kami's sake!"

"I never said that!"

"You were insinuating it!"

"Wha-? How?"

"You were thinking it!" Goku placed his hands on his hips and cocked an eyebrow.

"Vegeta now you're just being irrational."

"I am plenty rational!"

"Clearly."

"Just shut your face and get out, Kakkarot!"

"No."

"Yes!"

"No."

"Get out before I blast you!"

"Go ahead and try!"

...

"Alright everyone, time to get up and haul your asses out of here!" A round of groans passed over the three prone bodies of Tien, Chaotzu, and Yamcha as they cringed from the sound of Bulma's voice.

"Up you go!" The heavily hung-over Z warriors grumbled but stumbled upright, attempting to gather their clothes without tumbling into each other like a bunch of bowling pins.

Finally, after they'd all managed to swerve their way into the skies, Bulma stomped up the stairs towards Vegeta's room. She slammed open the door, and paused to take in the scene before her.

Both grown saiyans, Goku and Vegeta, were sprawled out on the floor on their backs and very much asleep, their snores echoing through the room. The room was a mess, covered in clothes from the turned-over drawers. The bedside lamp lay shattered on the ground and a few dents in the floorboards signaled some kind of conflict. Bulma was more amused to find that neither of them was wearing a shirt, and both were covered in a series of bites and shrinking purple bruises that looked suspiciously like something else.

"Even drunk these two were probably trying to kill each other," she muttered crossly. "And now I have to clean up after them." Suddenly, a sly idea came to her mind and she grinned.

"Well, I believe this could work out for the better."

The next morning, Vegeta awoke with a side splitting headache. Even though hangovers to a saiyan were much less violent, they were still most unpleasant. He groaned loudly, clutching his head in pain.

"Fucking woman," he swore under his breath. "This is all her fault, bringing me to that party and making me drink that putrid alcohol." Memories of the night before were extremely hazy, as if hidden beneath some kind of mottled veil. He vaguely remembered the party, and the afterparty, attended by none other than the usual company of the cueball, the hermit and his pet pokémon, greenbean, scarface, the woman, and the android. Then, it got fuzzier, and all he could remember was yelling at Goku, and some kind of conflict involving a lot of wild punching, biting, and all out primitive battling. He rubbed at his eyes, suddenly aware that he was sleeping on a warm mattress beneath a thick quilt. Huh.

"That's strange," he muttered to himself. "I don't remember getting into bed last night. Maybe my memories are hazier than I thought." Vegeta groaned and stretched, wondering why his back felt so sore, and froze as his arm touched something soft, warm, and strangely flesh-like. He slowly opened his eyes and blinked.  
Across from him, his arch enemy Goku slept peacefully, mouth slightly open, his left hand curled into a loose fist near his head. The saiyan's eyes widened.

"Oh shi-"

...

Bulma deftly flipped a pancake on the large, hot pan, humming to herself. Behind her, Goten and Trunks noisily gobbled at a tall stack of the thick pastries covered in syrup. The boys bickered over the last one, shoving each other's faces with sticky, syrup-smeared fingers. Bulma sighed and tossed the finished pancake on her son's plate, who immediately released a gleeful yelp, let his friend go and grabbed the syrup to pour over his pancake. Goten snatch the other pancake and shoved it into his mouth, glaring at the purple-haired boy and making a face. Bulma chuckled.

"Kami you guys eat almost as much as your parents. I remember when I used to have to cook for Goku," she sighed in remembrance. "We had to go shopping almost every day to get enough food to feed that little tyke." Goten stared at her round-eyed, whispering something to Trunks, who giggled. Bulma cocked an eyebrow and snatched up their empty plates.

"Speaking of which, your fathers you be waking up soon," Bulma noted. Suddenly, a blood-curdling screech echoed through the house, followed by a loud thump directly above them. Goten and Trunks froze, eyes slowly lifting up to stare at the ceiling.

"Mom," Trunks asked, swallowing his mouthful, "what was that?"

"Don't worry. Your father probably just woke up." The boy turned their gaze to her, goosebumps crawling up their skin as they watched the blue-haired woman begin washing the dishes with a wide smile.

"Trunks," Goten whispered to his companion without looking away from Bulma, "your mom's got that look on her face like she knows something we don't." Trunks nodded silently.

"I think she did something." Goten looked back up above him.

"That's your father's room isn't it?"

"Yeah."

"You don't think..." The two demi-saiyans exchanged a glance.

...

Goku groaned.

"What the hell?" he muttered crossly. "It's way too early for this." The saiyan stretched his arms over him and yawned loudly, opening his eyes. Squinting against the bright daylight, he looked to his left and blinked, noticing Vegeta sprawled out on the ground, hands behind him and knees bent as if he were ready to scurry away backwards on his hands and feet. The image of Vegeta trying to scurry away like a crab brought a small grin to the warrior's face.

"Hey Vegeta, what are you doing on the ground?" Vegeta only stared at him with wide eyes, mouth agape in an expression that could only be associated with extreme shock and horror. Goku suddenly noticed that Vegeta was clad only in a pair of checkered boxers, and was covered in a series of small bruises and bite-marks. He unconsciously looked down and realized that he was in the same basic condition. The saiyan paused for a minute, gaze flitting between them as he put two and two together. He paused, then opened his mouth.

"Oh," he said simply. Vegeta seemed to snap out of his reverie, and as soon as he noticed Goku staring at him in a look of passive shock, his hand snapped up and he shot a bolt of ki in the saiyan's direction. Goku, too shocked to realize what had just happened, was sent crashing into the wall and rebounded on the ground. He groaned, rubbing his stomach at the indecent surprise.

"What the hell, 'Geta?" he growled, cracking open an eye, but the saiyan had vanished, and he  
saw only the door to the adjacent bathroom slam shut.

Vegeta locked the door and turned around, leaning heavily on the door.

"What the hell... what the _fucking_hell..." Vegeta felt his hands shaking, and he quickly clenched them. The saiyan stumbled forward, gripping the sink with white-knuckled hands. He looked up at his reflection in the bathroom mirror and almost cringed. He rubbed at the red and purple marks covering his body in vain, willing them to disappear.

"No, no, no, NO!" Vegeta slammed his fist on the counter, forming a thick crack in the granite. He tried to breath slowly and shifted things over in his head. Nothing was making sense. He couldn't pull out the right bits of information from his clouded memory.

"Well... I'm not feeling too sore which is a good sign," he reasoned. "At least I know for sure I wasn't on the bottom... that would have been humiliating." The saiyan slammed his fist down on the counter again.

"What the hell and I thinking, it doesn't change _anything_! Not the fact that I might have..." The saiyan shuddered as goosebumps crawled up his skin. He shoved the thought away, not wanting to think about the possibilities of what may or may not have happened the night before. Suddenly he heard a knocking on the door.

"What?" he snapped angrily.

"Uh, sorry Vegeta," Vegeta hissed as he heard the other saiyan's voice from behind the door.

"What do you want, Kakkarot?"

"I just wanted to know if my gi belt is in there. I'm supposed to train with Piccolo later today..." Vegeta looked around and sure enough, the blue piece of cloth was laying limp at the foot of the shower. He grabbed it, opened the door, threw the belt in Goku's face before he could say anything more, and slammed the door closed again. There was a short pause before Goku spoke again.

"Thanks," he said simply. Vegeta didn't release the breath he was holding until he heard the saiyan leave the room and close the door behind him. When he finally managed to leave the bathroom, he hunted around the room for his clothes, throwing on his jeans. He found a long-sleeved navy blue turtleneck and slipped it on, checking the mirror to make sure all the marks were hidden, and stormed out of the room.

"This is all the woman's fault," he growled, "and she's gonna pay." However, before he could walk two more steps, the saiyan froze.

'Wait,' he reasoned to himself, his eyes wide. 'No. I can't tell her. No one can know about this.' He prayed Goku would keep his mouth shut about the topic.

"If this gets out, I'll have his head."

The saiyan prince trotted down the stairs and into the kitchen, grabbing an apple on his way towards the door.

"Hey dad," Trunks greeted his father. Vegeta grunted in answer, raising the apple to his lips.

"Hey Vegeta," the siayan froze, apple dangling in front of his open mouth. He slowly turned his head to see his ex eyeing him from the sink with a wide smile on her lips.

"Sleep well?" she asked nonchalantly, scrubbing at a pan.

"Wonderfully." Vegeta answered dryly.

"We heard a loud scream this morning," Vegeta turned his gaze towards Goten, who sat next to his son on the living room floor, both of them scratching at some paper with a variety of colored pencils.

"Are you ok?" Trunks clamped a hand on Goten's mouth and looked up at his father. He knew Vegeta didn't like his health being questioned, as polite as it was. The saiyan, however, simple narrowed his eyes and stormed out of the house.

"Fine," he said, slamming the door behind him. The boys looked at each other.

"Something's up," Trunks muttered.

"Yeah," Goten agreed with a nod. "Dad was being weird too. He came down this morning white as a sheep. He didn't even ask about breakfast and just left, saying something about going out training with Piccolo." Bulma smiled at the sink, washing off a soapy plate.

"Oh I am having just _way_ too much fun with this," she mused to herself with a grin.

...

**.:Author's Note:. **You know, as much as I dislike Bulma in the anime (especially during the Namek saga... oh god...) she's actually quite amusing to write in this series. Any ideas for upcoming chapters? I'm all ears!

Please review and tell me if I'm getting dull!

-DxH


	7. Ch 7: Confrontation and Confusion

**.:Author's Note:.** Alright so here's your update guys~! However, a fair warning, I'm leaving to Thailand for five weeks, so obviously I won't be able to update. I also haven't written any more after this yet because of a writers block, but I should be able to update soon after I get back if I can start writing.

Again, sorry for the delay, and feel free send me you suggestions!

On the brighter side, I decided not to cut this story into two parts since I couldn't figure out how, so it's extra long!

Warning for suggestive situations. DO NOT BE ALARMED! Nothing happens. Lets all assume that Vegeta is a homophobic spaz. That should compensate for him imminent rage.

-DxH

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Dragonball, Dragonball Z, or Dragonball GT. These are all owned by Akira Toriyama, Toei Animation, Funimation, and Fuji TV. If I did you'd have some serious crack on your hands.

...

Chapter Summary: Vegeta finds himself in an awkward position when Goku decides to confront him about his recently skittish behavior. Worms are to blame for his current predicament, no doubt!

...

Chapter 7: Confrontations and Confusion

...

"Nnnghhh ah! Ah! Gh… aaahh!"

"How does that feel?"

"Ngh… ah… good…"

"Really? Maybe if I try it like this…"

"Aaaahh~! Ah! Mmmmmgh!"

"Did that feel better?"

"Gh… aah… shut up Kakkarot…"

"You know you're enjoying it, Vegeta."

"Nnnngh… ah… harder damnit!"

"Wha…? Really? But I don't want to hurt you."

"Oh shut up Kakkarot. I'm… ah… not a woman!"

"I never said that!"

"Nnnngh… then push harder you third… ah... class… ngh…!"

"Yeah yeah I get it."

Bulma knocked twice on the door before opening it.

"Hey guys! Lunch is ready in five!" She paused for a minute. "What the hell are you two doing? And where are your clothes…?" Goku looked up from his position straddling Vegeta's back, a bottle of body oil in one hand and his other applied to Vegeta's naked shoulder blades. The princely saiyan, lying prone on his stomach growled beneath Goku, rather peeved at the intrusion. Both were clad in only a pair of torn gi pants, shirts and other garments completely discarded on the floor around them.

"Oh hey Bulma! Lunch sounds wonderful right about now," Goku replied with a grin. He glanced down at the oil in his hand. "I hope you don't mind me borrowing this. Vegeta injured his back earlier today while we were sparring. I'm giving him a massage to help him heal quicker, since we ran out of senzu and Coran's new stock doesn't come in until next week." Bulma cocked an eyebrow, glancing down at the panting Vegeta, who was clearly torn between feeling pleasure at the rough kneading on his sore back, and the embarrassment of his situation.

"Wow Vegeta, I never thought I'd see you in this kind of position. Especially not under another man," the woman noted wistfully. Vegeta glared murderously at Bulma.

"You shut your mouth, woman," he panted. "Anyone here's a word of this and I'll carve your face into ribbons." Bulma smirked.

"Not from down there you won't." Vegeta squirmed beneath the larger saiyan, bristling in rage.

"Hey, calm down Vegeta. I'm not done yet. We still have to work on your lower back."

"My lower back can heal on its own! I have more important things to – ah!" Vegeta arched his back at Goku's touch as the savior of the universe rubbed deep circles in the prince's back.

"Such royal treatment," Bulma mocked.

"I swear… ah… when I'm done… nngh… you are so dead…!" Vegeta spat between gasps.

"So what did you do? Throw out your back?" She asked with a chuckle. "Looks like your age is catching up with you."

"That has nothing to do with it!" Vegeta squirmed.

It really didn't. Let's go back a couple hours to the time of this injury. Perhaps a bit before, just for some backstory.

Vegeta was pissed. Very pissed. He'd been avoiding the saiyan for as long as he could, and pushed the memory to the very back of his mind. He trained in the gravity room all day, hardly stopping for food or breaks. He accompanied Trunks to his game store, washed the dishes (until it got too boring for his tastes and he abandoned the remaining soap-soaked dishes in the sink, much to Bulma's annoyance), and even tried meditating until it he flew off and blew up some mountains to vent his frustrations.

No, saiyans are not good for the ecosystem. Considering all the damage done from their various battles on this god-forsaken planet, it was likely more than one species had suffered beneath misdirected blows. Bah. It was all for the good of the earth, as a certain blundering saiyan would put it.

Vegeta howled, aiming a blow at a large rocky cliff, reducing it to rubble and dust. Thinking about it just made everything worse. He tried to forget it, but something nagged at him. He couldn't rest until he made sure _nothing_, absolutely _nothing_, had happened. The prince blasted another hole in the mountain.

"That mountain isn't going to get up, you know," Vegeta whirled around, bristling. A tall and very much peeved namekian stared at him with a raised eyebrow, arms crossed over his chest while his cape gently billowed in a curt breeze.

"Fuck off, greenbean," Vegeta spat, raising a threatening arm. The namekian twitched but made no move to either retaliate or back off.

"Excuse me, but this is my meditation area. I would appreciate you not blowing it up."

"I don't care where you hole yourself up. Find somewhere else!" Vegeta snarled. The namek growled, uncrossing his arms.

"Don't test my patience Vegeta," he warned. Vegeta bared his teeth in a cocky smirk.

"Oh? Are you going to do something about it?" he taunted. The namekian's expression remained impassive.

"I'll call Goku over." Vegeta's face blanched.

"Wh… what?" He muttered, before regaining his composure. "What do you mean by that? Are you too much of a coward to fight your own battles? You think Kakkarot can convince me otherwise?" Piccolo smirked.

"No, but I've noticed you've been rather uncomfortable around him lately. I have no idea if it's your pride acting up again or some personal incident I'm not aware of, but it's a threat that seems to work." Vegeta growled. He really didn't feel like confronting the saiyan just yet, but the namek was pushing his buttons way too hard.

"You call that third-class saiyan and I'll rip out those antennas and stuff them right up your –"

"Hey Vegeta!" Vegeta nearly toppled out of the sky at the orange-clad saiyan's abrupt appearance. Even Piccolo appeared rather shocked. Vegeta glared heatedly at the namek, pointing an accusing finger.

"I warned you not to call him over!" he seethed. Goku blinked, removing his index and middle fingers from his forehead and glancing between the two.

"What? Piccolo didn't call me. I came here looking for you myself." Vegeta paled, feeling his throat grow dry. Piccolo raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything. He only turned towards Goku with a slight nod.

"Well, I'll be on my way then. Clearly you two have something important to talk about," he said, glancing down at Vegeta before zipping off with a burst of white ki. Goku glanced at Vegeta and began to descend, relieved to sense the other man following him.

A short and heavily awkward silence ensued between the two as they touched down on the leaf-littered ground. Goku tottered on his heels, scratching an arm and snatching furtive glances at the quiet prince.

"So…" he started. "About that morning –"

"Nothing happened," Vegeta growled. Goku blinked.

"Huh?"

"Nothing happened. You say nothing, you remembered nothing." Vegeta insisted, voice growing louder and more firm. Goku shifted nervously. The prince appeared to speak the words much like some kind of mantra. He was trying to convince himself as much as the taller saiyan.

"Right…" Goku mumbled. Vegeta sighed, running a hand through his hair.

"Okay. What the fuck happened?" Goku blinked.

"Uh… I really don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?" Vegeta snapped. Goku frowned.

"I mean I don't know," he insisted. Vegeta growled.

"Did…" he struggled to find the right words, "did you feel sore at all that morning?" Goku blinked, averting his eyes.

"Not… not really. I mean, I had a massive headache. But that's it." Vegeta exhaled through his teeth.

"Alright… good, good," he mused. "What do you remember last?" Goku blinked.

"Uh… lots of drinks, I think Tien, Chaotzu, and Yamcha were all passed out on the floor."

"Then you came up to my room, demanding to sleep with me," Vegeta added. Goku blanched. Vegeta, noticing his expression, waved his hands out wildly.

"Not like that you brainless fool! You were complaining about the lack of space. I think you tried to sleep on the floor." Goku nodded, some of the color returning to his face.

"I remember that. Then it gets a bit fuzzy. I remember… fighting?" he attempted. Vegeta groaned, rubbing his head with annoyance.

"Yes well… look… let's just… let's pretend nothing happened. You came into my room, we fought, we somehow fell on the bed and went to sleep immediately." Goku scratched his head.

"Sure, I guess." Vegeta glared.

"Don't sound so unsure," he chided. Goku sighed.

"Alright well, can we just… drop this conversation?" Vegeta paused and sniffed, crossing his arms.

"I assure you that I feel no more comfortable talking about this than you, Kakkarot," he stressed through his teeth. "I swear… just the thought of being with someone of such low class. Disgusting." Goku cringed.

"Geez Vegeta, you're so harsh." The prince swiveled his head and shot a heated glare at Goku.

"Well what do you expect? I just roll over and completely accept something like this?"

"I thought we agreed it never happened?"

"It didn't!"

"They why are you making such a big deal out of this?"

"I am not," Vegeta hissed.

"Are too!" Goku frowned.

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Are you children done yet?" Goku and Vegeta turned to see a very much irritated Piccolo had returned. "I'm assuming you two finished discussing what you needed to, so I would appreciate it if you let me have my meditation spot back. Unharmed," the namek's gaze flit to Vegeta, "if you please." Goku chuckled.

"Yeah sure, sorry about that Piccolo," he quickly apologized. Vegeta simply grunted.

"Come on, Kakkarot. Our business isn't finished. We'll just have to take it a bit further away since nanny greenbean here is having a fit." Piccolo gnashed his teeth.

"Buzz off, you arrogant prick," he spat. Vegeta growled but shot a meaningful glance at Goku before tearing off through the sky. Goku nodded apologetically at Piccolo again before following the saiyan. They stopped in a large, desert clearing surrounded by rock and minimal brush, a gentle wind nipping at their clothes. A small pond stirred nearby, the earth beside it dark and moist. Vegeta turned around, hands on his hips.

"All right Kakkarot. I've waited long enough. Let's fight. I think we both need the release."

"What release?" Goku asked, confused.

"Oh you know what I mean," Vegeta growled back, crossing his arms. "I'm pissed enough as is." Goku blinked but complied, arching himself in a battle position.

"Whatever you say, 'Geta," he shrugged.

"And I told you not to call me that!" Vegeta snapped into super saiyan, hair flashing blond and eyes into a blazing aqua, and launched himself at the younger saiyan, sending a flurry of punches and kicks at his opponent. Goku yelped, dodging the blows by the inch, and retaliated with full fury. The saiyans exchanged punches, feet and fists flying at each other. Vegeta threw two punches at his opponent, which were duly blocked, before backing up and sending four energy blasts in his direction. Goku retaliated with blasts of his own, whipping around just in time to meet Vegeta's surprise kick from behind. He landed his own kick to vegeta's side, followed by a blast of energy. Vegeta blocked the blows, retaliating with a burst of energy blasts, forcing Goku back towards a cliff. In the midst of the smoke, he launched himself at the saiyan, only to receive a punch to the cheek. Growling, Vegeta retreated a few paces, allowing the smoke to clear up before sending another flurry of blows towards his opponent. Goku blocked them all, snatching Vegeta's fists. The two saiyans battled for power over each other, each leaning against each other, arms trembling under the pressure. Vegeta's gaze suddenly flit over to his left, and his expression turned into one of shock and awe.

"F… Freeza?" he muttered in a cracked voice. Goku stiffened and whirled his head around. Vegeta smirked. He pulled his fists out of Goku's slackened grip, grabbed his wrists, and pulled the saiyan towards him only to land a kick to his temple and send the man plummeting to the ground.

With a triumphant expression, Vegeta landed beside the prone saiyan, arms crossed over his chest and head cocked in amusement. Goku groaned, pulling himself out of the stony ditch he'd created in his landing.

"That was just low, Vegeta," he whined, standing up and dusting off his ragged gi. Vegeta laughed.

"Low? You were the one who was so easily deceived. You're too naïve, Kakkarot. You could easily have sensed Freeza if he was there. Not to mention he's dead anyways."

"Well your face was really convincing," Goku grumbled, "you looked really scared there." Vegeta stiffened, his lips turning into a frown.

"Scared?" he hissed, "I was not _scared_."

"Well you sure had a mortified expression on your face."

"You can't honestly expect me to be happy when I remember that tyrant, can you?" Vegeta growled. Goku shrugged.

"Yeah well it was still dirty."

"All is fair in death and war, isn't that how the saying goes?"

"Actually it's 'all is fair in love and war,'"

"Oh shut up, you know what I mean." Goku frowned.

"Well, fine then. Have it your way." The younger saiyan dashed towards Vegeta, who quickly dodged a blow to his head, and countered with a kick. Goku blocked and flipped backwards, crouching on the soft earth beside the pond. Vegeta launched himself at Goku with a yell. The saiyan smiled and grabbed a fistful of earth, flinging it into Vegeta's face before kicking the blinded saiyan in the stomach. He retreated a few steps, chuckling.

"What was that about 'all is fair,' Vegeta?" He cackled. Vegeta coughed and sputtered, rubbing at his eyes and trying to removed the caked mud from over his body. The saiyan suddenly froze. Goku flinched as a blood curdling scream echoed through the valley. He stared as Vegeta began fidgeting and rubbing his hands along his arms, eyes wide and filled with panic.

"Uh, 'Geta? What's wrong?" Vegeta paused momentarily to stare at him with loathing eyes.

"F…F….Fucking… W… Worms…" he stuttered. Goku blinked.

"Uh… what?"

"THERE ARE WORMS ALL OVER MY FUCKING BODY YOU NITWIT!" Goku flinched at the outburst. He stared at the older saiyan, who hopped around awkwardly, cursing and rubbing at his body. Goku smirked in amusement. Vegeta noticed the saiyan's lax attitude and whipped around towards him.

"What the hell are you just standing there for!" he snarled. "Get these things off of me!" Goku chuckled, walking over to the squirming prince.

"Geez, calm down Vegeta. They're just worms, they're not going to eat you."

"Urgh, they're disgusting! They're slimy and repulsive and do NOT belong on my body!"

"You know, you could use a ki blast to remove them all," Goku mentioned. Vegeta froze and narrowed his eyes at Goku.

"Smartass," he said pointedly, gathering up his energy and, with a curt yell, snapped the ki around his body, sending dirt and worms in every direction. Goku chuckled amusedly as the mighty saiyan prince stomped around, extinguishing the life of every hapless worm that happened to be nearby beneath his boots.

"Oh wait Vegeta, there's still one on your back." Vegeta froze and glared at Goku.

"Kakkarot you better not be screwing around with me," he threatened. Goku laughed and walked over, plucking a clingy, skinny pink worm off the back of the prince's fighting outfit. He wiggled the small work in front of Vegeta's face.

"Aww look at it! It's so small and harmless! Why does Vegeta hate you so, little guy?" he cooed. Vegeta's face took on a gentle shade of green as he lifted a finger and zapped the work into particles.

"Stop that Kakkarot, it's repulsive." Goku frowned.

"Your face is repulsive," he countered intelligently.

"What are you, a kid? That's something Goten would say." Goku blinked.

"What about Trunks?" Vegeta snorted.

"Trunks is much too intelligent to use a comeback like that."

…

_Meanwhile, at Capsule Corp..._

"Hey, you can't use that combo while I'm charging my attack!"

"Yes I can! It's your fault you left yourself unguarded Goten!"

"But that's dirty!"

"Your face is dirty!"

…

_Back at the battle scene in the desert…_

"So are we going to finish this or not, Kakkarot," Vegeta growled. Goku shrugged.

"Whenever you want Vegeta. I'm not the one who held us back with a panic attack over some worms." Vegeta snarled under his breath.

"You want to duke it out? Come on then, tough guy!" Goku grinned.

"You're rather sprightly today, aren't you, 'Geta."

"Cut it with the familiarity!" Vegeta snarled, launching himself at Goku. The saiyan blocked the blow, retaliating against a flurry of punches, before plucking Vegeta's left wrist out of the air, spinning the saiyan around and slamming him into the dirt. Goku plopped himself on vegeta's backside, pinning his arms above his head. The proud saiyan struggled desperately, pushing up his power level in vain. Goku simply raised his own to surpass Vegeta's, grinning at his victory.

"Let me go, Kakkarot! This is demeaning!"

"Demeaning for you or for me?" Goku teased. Vegeta growled, turning his mud-smeared face to glare up at the triumphant victor.

"Well it isn't funny. Now let me go! There could be… worms down here." Goku grinned.

"Is that what you're afraid of? Don't worry, most of the worms stay in the soft earth near the water, and that's way over there." He motioned towards the pond with his head, keeping his hands firmly against Vegeta's wrists.

"D… Damnit Kakkarot, I order you to let me go!" Goku leaned over, so that his lips hovered over Vegeta's neck.

"And what if I don't want to?" He countered. Vegeta froze momentarily, eyes flitting over to search Goku's face. The younger saiyan regarded him with a contemplative, if slightly cocky expression, but with nothing suggesting malice or otherwise hidden intentions. The prince shivered slightly under the man's dark gaze, wondering if he was even aware of his own words.

"Kakkarot, I swear if you don't let me go now I'm going to blow up this entire place," he threatened in a low voice, attempting to ignore Goku's breaths as they tickled his neck.

"You're really aggressive today, Vegeta. I don't know if it's about what happened last time but –"

"That has nothing to do with it!"

"Well then I'm not letting you go until you tell me what's unsettling you." Vegeta squirmed angrily.

"Damnit, nothing is! Just… let me go!" The prince's power level suddenly jumped a few notches, surprising Goku. He instinctively applied more pressure to Vegeta's wrists, and glanced down at the man who struggled to flip himself over. Using his legs for balance and support, Vegeta pushed his body against Goku's thighs, twisting his back around. The prince howled angrily, legs thrashing in vain.

"Uh, Vegeta? I think you should stop, that can't be good for your body."

"Oh lay off Kakkarot! You do _not _tell me what to –" A resounding crack suddenly echoed through the clearing. Vegeta froze, and Goku slowly looked down in concern. The prince ground his teeth together and stifled a howl.

Goku sighed, lifted himself off of Vegeta and released his wrists, relatively confident that the saiyan wasn't going to lash out at him any time soon. Compliantly, Vegeta's hands immediately slid down to clutch at his sides. He swore angrily between stifled groans. Goku shook his head.

"See? I told you not to twist around like that. You're flexible, Vegeta, but not that flexible. Only Buu could pull something like that off." The squirming saiyan glared at him with bloodthirst.

"Let me remind you that this is _your_ fault, you ingrate."

"What? How is this _my_ fault?" Goku countered defensively.

"If you hadn't been restraining me like that, I wouldn't have torn my back out!" Goku's lips twitched.

"You sound like an old man, Vegeta." The prince snarled.

"Shut your –" before he could finish his sentence, the prince screeched in a rather ungainly manner and began wriggling to the side, attempting to drag himself across the ground in a horizontal direction. Bemused, Goku raised an eyebrow.

"What's the matter now, Vegeta?"

"WORM!" He screamed. Goku couldn't help but break out into a large grin.

"I was waiting for that to happen," he commented. The prince of saiyans glared at him murderously from off the ground, glancing at the grayish pink worm that slowly inched its way blindly in his direction.

"Kakkarot get me out of here or I'll make certain that you can never procreate again, you hear me?" Goku sighed.

"Yes you majesty," he snorted, flicking the worm a few miles away and grabbing Vegeta by an arm. The saiyan screeched.

"Watch it you buffoon! My damn back is practically blown out!"

"Sorry," Goku gently set Vegeta back on the ground and placed two fingers to his temple, his other hand resting on Vegeta's shoulder. In a matter of seconds, they reappeared in the living room at Capsule Corporation. Vegeta grunted as Goku helped him sit upright against the wall. The younger saiyan glanced round the room, peeking outside. He sensed no one and returned with an indifferent shrug. Vegeta groaned.

"Where the hell are those damn senzu beans when you need them?" he spat bitterly.

"Coran should have some new ones ready by next week."

"Next week? I can't freaking wait that long!" The saiyan protested. Goku shrugged.

"Maybe Bulma could do something about it." Vegeta rolled his eyes.

"Oh please. That woman is a mechanic, not a doctor." Goku grinned.

"Well its close enough, isn't it?" Vegeta narrowed his eyes.

"No, because I do not desire to have someone prodding at my insides with a metal object, thank you very much." The younger saiyan sighed hopelessly.

"You're so difficult, Vegeta."

"Bite me, I'm a prince."

"So you keep reminding me."

"Are you trying to start a fight with me, you third class–"

"No, I'm not." The two remained silent for a few minutes, disturbed only by Vegeta's occasional grunts. Goku glanced at the saiyan.

"Uh, do you want to lay down or something?" he asked. Vegeta shot him a glare.

"If I wanted to lay down, I could do so myself. I'm not so injured that I can't take care of myself, you know." Goku raised his hands defensively.

"I know, I was just asking." Vegeta narrowed his eyes.

"Well in that case you might as well leave. Your business is done here, _clearly_." Goku scratched his head, deep in thought.

"I guess," he started. "But I don't want to leave you here by yourself. The Briefs all seem to be out, and Goten and Trunks must have gone out training or something because their energy signals are rather faint." Vegeta grunted.

"I don't need you to babysit me, Kakkarot."

"Yeah yeah, but I'd rather wait until Bulma got back. She'll probably need an explanation for this anyways. The classic 'I fell down the stairs' isn't going to work for this."

"Meddlesome woman. She doesn't need an explanation for anything," Vegeta growled.

"It's Bulma, of course she does," Goku replied humorously. Vegeta narrowed his eyes.

"Have it your way then, but don't expect me to entertain you."

"I don't."

The two saiyans sat in quiet silence for another few minutes, Goku glancing at the prince every so often.

"So… where does it hurt, exactly?" he asked. Vegeta looked as if he were about to tell him off, before another bout of pain interrupted him.

"The… base of the back. Somewhere near the spine I suppose. Damn well must have ripped a muscle or something." Goku tapped his chin thoughtfully.

"You know, it could be that you're always so tense that your muscles tightened up and got stuck or something." Vegeta stared pointedly at Goku.

"If you're trying to be funny, you're only prolonging your imminent suffering." Goku rolled his eyes.

"Seriously Vegeta, you need to learn to relax a bit," the saiyan's eyes suddenly lit up. "That's it!" he exclaimed abruptly. Vegeta narrowed his eyes, regarding the man with suspicion.

"What's 'it?'" he asked cautiously. Goku grinned.

"How about I give you a massage?" Vegeta stared unresponsively.

"W… what?"

"A massage! Chichi use to do that for me a long time ago after I got into fights. It felt really good! Though lately, it's been more of a reversal. I've been the one giving her all the massages." As the saiyan ambled on, Vegeta's expression of shock turned into one of revulsion.

"You have to be kidding me! You? Give me a… a massage?" Goku smiled.

"Sure, why not? I swear it'll feel great. Not to brag anything, but I'm pretty good with my hands now." Vegeta paused, taking in that last sentence with narrowed eyes, and shook his head, jaw firmly set."

"There is no way in hell I am letting you touch me," he snarled. Goku crossed his arms, pouting.

"What? Why not?"

"Never mind why not, it isn't happening!" Goku narrowed his eyes and pointed an accusing finger at Vegeta.

"See? You're still sore about that night aren't you?" Vegeta's eyes widened momentarily.

"What? No! I told you that has nothing to do with it!" he sputtered angrily. "And I thought we agreed to drop that subject!"

"Well you don't seem to have given it up, so I won't either!"

"Stop being an ass about this, Kakkarot!"

"I'm not!"

"Yes you are!"

"No I'm not!"

"You are!"

"Then let me give you a massage!"

"No!" The saiyans stared at each other heatedly for a few moments.

"I won today, so I should be able to do what I want."

"What? We never agreed to anything like that!"

"No, but if you say injuring you is my fault, it's my responsibility to heal you." Vegeta opened his mouth to protest before closing it, as he realized Goku had caught his words and spat them back at him. He glared angrily at the saiyan.

"Five minutes. If I tell you to stop, you stop, hear me?" Goku's face immediately lit up and he jumped to his feet.

"Alright, I'll go get the oil!" Vegeta froze.

"What oil?" he asked, but Goku had already disappeared behind the living room doors and into the bathroom. Vegeta groaned as he heard Goku rummage through the various drawers of the bathroom, mumbling to himself.

A few minutes later, the younger saiyan emerged, a large grin plastered on his face, and a small bottle of almond oil clasped in his left hand which he held up triumphantly.

"Found it!" he announced proudly.

"So I noticed," Vegeta answered dryly. Goku placed his hands on his hips.

"All right, strip!" Vegeta practically fell over from shock.

"What!" he finally rasped after recovering himself. Goku smirked amusedly.

"Come on Vegeta, I can't massage your back if you're wearing a shirt." Vegeta stared at the unabashed saiyan.

"What? Is that some kind of law? You could easily do it through my clothes, right?" Goku sighed.

"But it won't feel the same," he insisted. "Skin contact helps to maximize the amount of control I have over pressure and pain relief. Besides, the oil makes your skin feel warm." Vegeta glared heatedly.

"You have to be kidding me. I didn't agree to this!"

"Yes you did."

"Can it, Kakkarot!" The young saiyan sighed.

"Come on, 'Geta. Just the shirt." Vegeta narrowed his eyes.

"Keep talking like that and I'll make sure you lose yours permanently, as well as everything beneath it."

"You're so morbid Vegeta."

"I've heard that one before," Vegeta answered, but compliantly began removing his shirt, wincing as he stretched his arms over his head. Several bruises from their previous fight lined his finely-toned body, but otherwise, he remained outwardly physically fine.

"All right, can you lay on your stomach?" Vegeta nodded. "Would you rather be on the ground or on the bed?"

"Kakkarot, this isn't a luxury suite. I don't care." Goku shrugged and calmly watched as Vegeta settled on the hardwood floors. He stood and quickly walked to the kitchen and washed his hands, glancing at his reflection in the mirror. A few bruises also marked his own body, including a sweltering purple mark on his left cheek, but he ignored it, narrowing his eyes instead at the ragged remains of his ripped gi. With a sigh, the saiyan ripped off his shirt, discarding it in a nearby trash can, before rejoining the prone Vegeta in the living room.

Upon his re-entry, Vegeta glanced up at Goku, pausing as he noticed his new lack of upper attire.

"Kakkarot, may I ask why you decided to remove your shirt?" he asked.

"It was pretty ragged to begin with, and it would probably get in the way. I didn't want it to dirty anything either." Vegeta absorbed this information with suspicious eyes.

"Stop looking at me like that, Vegeta, I'm not going to eat you." The prince rolled his eyes.

"That's not what I'm worried about."

"Then what is?"

"Nothing. None of your business. Now are you going to do this or not?" Goku sighed and unscrewed the top of the oil. He sniffed it furtively before applying some to his hands and then dripping some along Vegeta's spine. Goku set the oil down and rubbed his hands, before easing them along Vegeta's back. Vegeta tensed, but allowed himself to relax. Goku began by rubbing wide circles along the man's back, spreading the oil and quieting the tense prince. After a few minutes, he actively began to rub his thumbs in small, smooth circles, adding gentle pressure to the center of his back. Vegeta released a small moan, quickly muffling it with his arm. Goku chuckled and stood up, straddling the prince and lowering himself so that he sat on the prince's lower back. Vegeta inhaled sharply.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he snarled.

"Calm down Vegeta, I'm just positioning myself so that I'm better centered."

"You never said anything about sitting on me! Get off, this is demeaning!"

"Everything is demeaning with you, Vegeta, just chill out, alright?" Goku applied some more pressure for emphasis, turning Vegeta's protest into a loud moan.

This continued for about half an hour, Goku silencing Vegeta's complaints and necessary, bitter remarks with continual massaging which even Vegeta could not deny did him much good until Bulma arrived on scene.

And of course, Bulma was none the wiser.

...

**.:Author's Note:. **Oh, and for those who enjoyed the beginning of this fic, it's actually based off a short comic I did for a DBZ contest on deviantart. I'll post the link on my profile page if you want to see it!

enjoy and review~!

-DxH


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